Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man Shen Wade Media


I knew early on that I am not cut out for being in an affair. The secrets, the hiding, the lying, the denial, the stolen moments, becoming someone whose behavior does not match one’s self-image or presumed values in general, the cognitive dissonance an affair requires. I can t keep it going. I am meant to be open and honest. I am meant to celebrate my love not hide it away. The secrets, the hiding, the lying, the denial, the stolen moments, becoming someone whose behavior does not match one’s self-image or presumed values We ve discussed taking a break after January (which will still give us time to experience some things we already had planned). We ve talked about what that looks like (no contact or just greatly reduced contact? ) but made no decisions.

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That’s no easy task. But, in truth, it’s for me as much as it is her. I can’t take the torture. And it is, indeed, torture. Self-torture. She does everything right. She tries to protect me as much as she can. It’s my own mind and imagination that assails me. I need to let go and try to quiet my mind. I need to fill that space with something else. Yes, the tide has turned and I feel like it s a matter of time before EVERYTHING changes. And yet I still feel my skin crawling every time I think of the little things. And I don t know how to stop it. And I don t know how much longer I can take it. And I want it all to be worked out yesterday. I ve read through most of the comments. It actually amuses me a bit to see such certainty and judgment from some of the commenters who have no idea about the details of my situation. YOUR blanket doesn t cover me. Like Robert Browning s The Last Duchess, the narrative reveals more about the speaker than the duchess. Your filters reveal your experiences and biases but have nothing to do with me and my situation. The day we came back home, she told her husband about us and asked him to move to his parents house. That week, she told her family. As expected, she got little support or understanding. She withdrew from some friends for similar reasons. It was a very private and isolating time. During this time, we spent more time together than ever. It was a relief to know that our secret was known. We were being honest. In the couple of months since then, she has had some setbacks due to medical reasons but we are together and stronger than ever. He is still not living in their home and they are having an ongoing discussion about the end of their marriage. Despite some of the vitriolic (and inane) comments, she is trying to be respectful about the way she ends the marriage.

She is doing everything she can to not cause him more pain than necessary. He did nothing wrong and he is a nice guy. I ve met with him and apologized for the way things transpired. The situation is much more nuanced and sophisticated than it would appear some of the commenters are able to process. You just have to take it one step at a time and give all parties involved time to process the new paradigm and readjust their presuppositions. Everyone involved, on either side of the equation, is involved in the journey together whether they like it or even acknowledge it. It really is an exercise in pain management. The road ahead is long and winding. It won t be easy. Then again, the road behind us wasn t, either. But the reward at the end is happiness. It is knowing that we have found the one with whom our soul connects. Anyone who looks at an affair with a simplistic black and white filter is doing a disservice to the human spirit and to themselves and those around them. Life is messy. And life is beautiful. Tragedy and comedy. So, we re moving forward. She filed for divorce. She s signed a lease on a new townhouse. She ll be moving there in a few weeks. I ll help her get settled there. After she s had a few transitional months to herself, I ll join her there and our life together will officially begin. We ve been picking out furniture and home décor. Her family is starting to accept the way things are. They haven t completely come around but they are making motions in that direction. They finally admitted that they knew the marriage was in trouble for years despite the calm appearance. But the reality of the change is still emotional and raw. It has been a long and arduous journey. The end is near. Very near. We know the date the divorce will be final.

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We know where she will live. And we are making all the necessary life changes to be ready for our life together. Finally. Well, she s been divorced for about 9 months now. After a couple of months of her living alone, I began staying over more and more. I ve been essentially living with her for about 6 months. We have discussed our intention to marry, but we haven t firmed up any plans. There were some very emotional times. She has struggled with guilt over how things transpired. There were some bumpy times with her family. But, we stood strong. Her family is starting to accept me now. We’re in the home stretch now. She’s been divorced for nearly 7 years. We’ve lived together for about a year and a half. And a few days ago… we got married! We’ve done our due diligence. We’ve been in counseling both individually and together. We’ve sat through some difficult conversations with people (read: family) that has been affected by everything. We’ve read self-help books. We’ve aired it out. We’re working hard on our foundation so we don’t repeat past mistakes. They’ve been living together for about a year now, too. At this point, it appears that things are better all the way around, for all concerned. He has someone who is happy to be with him and shares his values. My lady and I get to be with the love of our lives. I totally realize that we went about things entirely the wrong way. No question. However, this may be a case of “all’s well that ends well. ” I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.

Ever. I guess the reason I wrote this in the beginning, and the reason I’ve continued to update it, is that I know I’m not the only one to experience this. It’s a universal experience. I wanted to share the entire journey. I had no way of knowing how it would turn out. But I was determined to document the experience to share with anyone else who may be feeling the things I was a couple of years ago. My hope is that it helps open eyes on any side of the equation. Reading some of the comments, I realize that we all have our own filters in place and may be incapable of being objective about any of it. Fair enough. But all is not lost. A seed can be sown. And maybe, just maybe, the next time something like this comes up… you’ll remember something I’ve shared here and have a slightly different perspective. Our affair started 5 years ago. We ve been married for the last 7 years. Life s pretty great these days. I keep updating this in hopes someone who reads it will gain a little more insight and receive the benefit of my experience. It was a brutal situation that I would not survive again. But the end result is true happiness. My advice regarding affairs is to not have one. Period. I realize that life is messy and sometimes we get ahead of ourselves. But as soon as you recognize the situation for what it is, back up. Get your steps in order ASAP. It s best for everyone involved. An affair can be devastating and painful. But it s not the end of the world. It just changes your world. Create boundaries for yourself. Boundaries communicate value. They convey self-respect. Be kind to yourself and those around you.

This is simply not true about her always being a cheater. Please try to not be so judgmental of others, I m sure you re not perfect. Amen to you brother! ! I was in an affair and truly in love, we made plans to be together but they never happened. The thing about an affair you want to believe them, however your behavior changes and doubt sets in. I found myself attempting to catch her with her husband, and I did. I felt like such a chump, she broke up my marriage for her selfish lies. I told her when I ended things I did not know how I will remember her, that statement hit home. So here I am, very distrusting of women, I can say with absolute honesty my intent was to follow my heart with this woman, but in the end she showed me her true colors. I find these days its best to be alone, that way no one can hurt you. My x-wife hurt me greatly, and my true love fed me lies for three years. Never again. So here I am, very distrusting of women See, the thing is we are ALL dealing with a full range of emotions and none of us is fully in control of ourselves. We do the best we can to figure things out and choose our actions wisely. But life is fluid, dynamic, and messy. If you are not trustworthy, don t hold it against someone for also being untrustworthy. The only thing you can manage is you. Try to work on that and the rest will take care of itself. He never said he cheated on his wife and never said he was better than anyone. Pay attention. I think u r very religious guy could not handle woman making her own choice and correcting her own mistakes. We usually lie to person we don t feel in tune with. Who don t understand us then we give excuse Not to them who understand us and he spent long time with her liar changes their partner too often they don t take real risks like giving divorce Moving in with someone for too long I think you know nothing of me. I make every attempt to support her and help her become more assertive about her own feelings and choices. The summary of them is that you are confused and probably hurt. I m sorry that has been your experience. Thanks for sharing this. I am in a similar situation and was thinking that I was being weird for thinking similarlyCheatersarecowards assumes the worst. I have been in the women s shoes and never thought the way this guy discribes. They only care about their own selfish pleasures and don t care who they hurt to get it.

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