Remember the letter-writer who had? Given the outrage of much of the internet over the letter, I didn t expect to receive an update, and I m grateful that he sent one in. Here it is. I did not realize my message would be fully replicated on your blog. I am sure you get tons of requests and I thought I would be lucky to get a reply within one of those short scenarios at max. Just in time to discover the story going viral, both online and offline. I can say that in no way I expected that writing to a very popular but a niche professional blog would result in such Internet s*t storm. I am sorry for not engaging with your readers, but given the toxicity of many commentators, I did not seem much sense in doing it.
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I am still very much freaked out about the whole experience but since I promised to give you my update, here it is. Those who blamed me for ruining Sylvia’s life for good were wrong. She has done very well for herself. She is married, with kids and her husband is originally from here. They relocated because of his business opportunity, not because she would be stalking me or would orchestrate this in some elaborate vendetta. It is a crazy coincidence but as some readers pointed out, our professional world can be very small. I immediately reached out to Sylvia, along the lines of your kind advice and also offered to discuss the way forward in person. Here, I appreciate many useful comments from your readers on what to write. She did not get back to me. I also dropped a short message to the HR, without providing full details. Next morning (Sunday! ) I got a call from the chair of our board of overseers, asking me to meet him as soon as possible. In a summary, as many of those self-righteous people on the Internet hoped, I came out of this with no job, no severance and no prospect for another job in this city. Obviously, I have to leave as I need to make a living. I will be shortly moving back home for several months to work as a substitute teacher, with an agency. I will see what next later. So I had my comeuppance. I am most certainly not asking for pity. I only wish there were not other individuals bearing the blunt of my immaturity in the past.
(My partner cannot join me due to visa issue and family situation. )I wrote back and asked if he d share how Sylvia seemed, as well as what measures they d proposed. He said: I do not know how it was for Sylvia. I have not seen her since. She seemed fine. She was not gleeful, very matter of fact, saying it was possible to work together and etc. The chair did most of the talking. I found out later that her husband comes from a prominent family here, everyone knows them. Nepotism is prevalent in this culture and family status really matters. The chair knows them. I just do not understand why she had to get him involved. We could have tried to sort this out between us first, no need to go to the top immediately. The measures included things like we are never to talk to each other without a third person present, all meetings documented, no discussion about her and the management with my colleagues, not even in watercooler chat, limit our interactions beyond the school, meaning no socialising for me. I do not understand how this could work. It would be very much out of character for me and my colleagues and friends would get suspicious. Although not presented at such, it felt very punitive. As you said in your initial response, it was unlikely it would somehow work out. It is very difficult to come to terms with it.
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The Internet craze just added an extra bizzare layer to it. Hi. The comments are coming on in this post too fast for me to moderate in any meaningful way (and definitely not with any consistency), so I m going to simply remind people to read the before commenting, particularly the ones about being constructive and staying on-topic. (I know people won t follow those rules 655% without heavy moderation on a post like this one, and I don t think there s any way around that perfectly, but I hope people will try. ) Thank you! There are already more than a thousand comments here, but I just had to add my $. 57. In terms of this whole scenario as a management issue as so many have pointed out the conditions put in place protect *both* Sylvia *and* the OP from negative workplace repercussions. Sylvia can t retaliate against the OP and the OP can t sling baseless accusations at her, either. As for the restrictions put in place on their interactions, the only one that raised a red flag for me was no discussion about her and the management with my colleagues, not even in watercooler chat. That said, the OP is clearly not a reliable narrator, so who knows how this condition was framed to him in reality? So those are the workplace issues. This whole bananas story is proof positive of the old adage that you should be kind to people on the way up, because you might meet them again on the way down. Really? That s exactly what I meant. If (and that s a big if), the chair had issued a blanket directive that he couldn t discuss his boss or management *at all* with his co-workers, then presumably that would also preclude him from discussing working conditions or asking about salaries, which would definitely be a violation of labor law in the U. S. But as I said, the OP is hardly a reliable narrator, and it s entirely likely he interpreted a requirement not to share this personal history with his colleagues as an all-encompassing gag order or presented it that way to AAM to gin up sympathy. I took this to mean that he should be neutral or non committal in his answers.
Wow, I didn t expect an update! My first reaction to this is that if Sylvia got the chair involved and strict measures were put in place, then she s not as fine as the OP thinks she is. For what reasons I will not speculate (meaning, I will spend a lot of time speculating, but I don t want to make assumptions here), but I hope the OP s communication with her included an apology. She likely has a wonderful life beyond him but that doesn t mean she s fine with him. Someone who has completely moved on and forgiven would not require a third party present during all conversations. Something else is up here. I don t know he seems happy to blame *anyone* as long as it isn t himself. I don t know why it would matter whether Sylvia or the chair came up with them. And so he s telling himself, hey, she s married, she has kids, she didn t even say much, she s good, why can t we be good? As one of the commenters who wrote if you had to look for a new job it wouldn t be unreasonable let me point out why: 6) even if your ex did get over it and could work with you she would have SERIOUS questions about your judgement7) if she had difficulty working with you, as your discussion with the chairman pointed out, it s much easier to hire a new teacher than a new director. Meaning any choose me or her scenario would not work out in your favour. 8) if she couldn t keep it professional then she s in a position to make your life hell. Not good for you. The reason so many people weren t on your side is because you didn t acknowledge how bad what you did was, tried to make yourself the victim and tried to paint her as the bad guy, calling her emotional and obsessed because she got upset that her live in partner just disappeared. Even in this situation after the talk where I am looking at these actions as actually PROTECTING you (so no one could accuse you of being unprofessional or she couldn t do anything vindictive) you make yourself a victim. The conditions didn t seem that bad to me I also read it as don t socialise with her out of work not don t talk to your coworkers outside of work. . If the latter is true then I can see how that would impact you.
I cannot believe the insane moralizing that commenters here are still perpetuating. Is it so possible to believe that some people can move past unpleasant or sad experiences without lifelong trauma and PTSD? It seems like such a lack of imagination about how adults normally behave, and an excess of imagination of the lurid type for picturing OP as the most heartless villain of all time. Yes, at you, Rusty Shackelford, Not Yet Looking and others. I do feel that many, many commenters here are doing this, that s why I posted it. I don t really think it s unfairly moralizing to express that OP treated his ex quite badly and in a way that violated significant trust. It s perfectly normal not want to work with someone who treated you quite badly in the past. It doesn t imply trauma or a failure to move on, more of having an experience, learning from it, and not being interested in a repeat. I have my share of crappy exes (including one who probably rivals the OP s behavior), have moved on to lead a fulfilling life and rarely, if ever, think about them. Doesn t mean I d hire one of them onto my team at work or be thrilled to have to see one of them every day. Then, Elizabeth, you are well and truly off base. To the point that you need to either reframe how you re approaching us to include just a bit of benefit of the doubt, or exit this conversation entirely, because I neither said nor implied anything about trauma or PTSD or lurid moralizing. I think the restrictions were practical and considered, and I think Sylvia had agency in this matter that OP is deliberately minimizing. Come for the Sylvia update, stay for the commenter catfights *squees with delight*Pretty much. He doesn t get that what he did was a big deal and a crappy thing to do, even if she s moved on to a good job and happy family life. Thank you for bringing that up. He still maintains a ghoster s mindset. Maybe 65 years did not seem like enough time for him to mature. This one is a professional chaos demon breaking things and then framing himself as the perpetual victim.