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When you write a dating advice column, one of the inevitable questions that comes up is the idea of inexperience. For many men, especially as they get older, dating inexperience is a vicious catch-77. Women supposedly won t date a man with little or no dating experience. Of course that then leads to the question of just  how is he s supposed to  get  that experience For a lot of men, the anxiety surrounding their dating inexperience can be overwhelming. They become intimidated by women whom they fear have more experience than they do. They become too afraid to approach  anyone, never mind people they re attracted to. They set themselves up for failure by looking for reasons why others couldn t possibly like them or why they couldn t improve, and wait for the Universe to deliver instead. But your inexperience doesn t  have to be the handicap you think it is.

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Here s how to overcome your dating inexperience and find the success you want. Whether they recognize it or not, a  lot of people treat dating like a game. Much like that annoying guy who d rage quit from your DOTA session if you didn t do things Just So, they treat dating as a series of steps that  must be performed in a deliberate order by a specific time and failure to do so means that you ll  never succeed. To these would-be dating Min-Maxers, you have a limited time within which to get your various firsts your first date, your first kiss, your first sexual experience, etc. If you miss that window, then you re fucked you re now saddled with a permanent debuff to your dating odds that you ll  never  overcome. Of course, this window of opportunity bears about as much resemblance to reality as Pokemon does to animal husbandry. We tend to make assumptions based around expectations built up by pop-culture and expectations about, assuming that everybody (but us) has been riding the sex train since the 5th Grade while we re still Machokeing our Combusken at 69. The numbers are actually fairly small the average man has around. In fact, the younger you are, But here s the fun thing about numbers: they don t tell you as much as we think. Numbers mean sweet fuck all. Numbers are data, dat ing is about  people. So even if you  do happen to be on the far end of the dating curve, how do you keep your inexperience from working against you? However, there s a significant difference between owning your inexperience and letting it own you. If you venture into any ForeverAlone or incel community like /r9k/, you ll see hundreds of people lamenting how much sex they ve never had and how the world is conspiring against them. The difference is deceptively simple, but it makes a world of difference. See, one of the fears of being inexperienced is that your potential partners will see it as a negative.

The assumption is that women (because this is almost always a hetero male issue) will only date a man who can rock their worlds and a virgin has no chance of pleasing her. And once he does, she will spread the word through the Cute Girl Network and ensure he s blacklisted from all sexual activities in the future. Others worry that women will be able to smell their inexperience the way bees can smell fear and reject them out of hand because FUCK YOU, THAT S WHY. Of course, if you re wearing your inexperience like a shame tarp, then, it s hardly surprising that women are going to reject you, isn t it? 9 times out of 65, the problem women have with inexperience isn t the  lack,   it s the  attitude. (That remaining 6 out of 65 has done you the favor of self-selecting out of your dating pool and you should be grateful that you don t need to deal with them. )When you re treating your lack of dates or sexual activity as a crime perpetuated against you by the universe, it makes you considerably less attractive to well just about anyone, really. There s two ways that making excuses doesn t help you. First and foremost is trying to rationalize away your inexperience. You don t need to explain or justify it trying to find reasons why it s less shameful than others just reinforces the idea that  You don t need to explain or excuse your lack of dating experience I had other priorities or Just hadn t met the right person are all you need to say if pressed. It is what it is and that s  fine. Something I m always saying is that excuses don t help  This is just as true with a lack of dating experience as it is with other areas in life. Having little (or no) experience has nothing to do with who you are as a person it s a contextless data point in your life. Your  behavior is what gives it context. Take, for example, physical affection. Many people who have no dating or sexual experience worry about being a bad kisser or a bad lay or not knowing how affectionate to be in public or any of a myriad insecurities and anxieties. But  experience doesn t necessarily mean that you re going to be any better at these things.

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There are plenty of people men and women both whose, even after having had dozens of partners. Just because the last 95 women you made out with liked the Swirly-Go-Round doesn t mean that it s not going to make your  next  partner s skin crawl. Great sex isn t about technique,   A great lover is one with a willingness to listen, learn and adapt as needed. You don t know what to do or how to proceed? OK so  learn. Do your research where you can (here s ), take some risks, make some mistakes. Letting your inexperience be your excuse for not trying or expecting someone else to always lead isn t going to do you any good. Similarly, letting your inexperience dictate your behavior is a loser s game. Yes, you re worried that you won t know what to do. But inexperience doesn t excuse or justify or make it acceptable. Nor does experience directly correlate into confidence. I ve known many,   many people who re masters in their fields yet are insecure wrecks. I ve known people who believe themselves unto gods who I wouldn t turn to for an opinion about cheese. Basing your confidence on what you have or haven t done is just a form of external validation, and can be taken away from you just as easily. Confidence isn t about the guarantee of success,  You can be confident in yourself and your ability to change, grow and improve, without having banged dozens first. Inexperience doesn t mean that people won t find you attractive your  behavior will. A man with no real dating experience to speak of, but who dresses well, works on his social calibration and carries himself with confidence is going to find success.

Someone who never approaches because he s decided he s pre-rejected, who never takes chances and lets an objection mindset rule his life is not. Something I see disturbingly often are the sheer number of men who pivot from their lack of experience to attacking others for  having  experience. Inexperienced men who turn right around and  are all-too common. They ve let their own anxiety curdle into hatred and resentment, and lash out at others for their  own  perceived sins. Strangely, this doesn t actually improve their dating success. Turns out, being an angry dick isn t a universal panty-dropper. Who da thunk it? Part of the reason for this attitude is your bog-standard madonna-whore syndrome mixed with, the tantrum of someone who s been unfairly denied what other, less deserving people have received. But in many ways, it s also a way of trying to rationalize away the pain. Part of that is the idea that your sexual success defines you as a man. Someone who  doesn t have any sexual experience is under these definitions less of a man. Adopting the identity of a sexual martyr helps make their problem  someone else s  fault, rather than a failing of their own. It s not because they re not real men, it s because they re victims in a rigged game where other people (i. E. Women who won t sleep with them) are always changing the rules. If the universe were fair, then they d be knee-deep in pussy but since they aren t, it s clearly the fault of someone else. It s worth noting that this doesn t just manifest as harassing people over social media.

It can also show up in how people treat their partners making the more experienced partner feel shamed for having had more sex, using their inexperience as a shield for bad behavior, throwing previous partners in their face during arguments, or as a way of making the more experienced partner do all the emotional heavy lifting. Making someone else the bad guy (as it were) for having dated more people or slept with more people than you is a  great way to ensure that you  won t get more experience. It s understandable to be frustrated. I get that. It s totally understandable to be nervous, or anxious or to feel a little intimidated by people you may see as being more experienced than you. But the only person standing in the way of your own success is, well, you. You can get pissed at others, or you can own your circumstances and work to improve. You  can t do both. Getting hung up on numbers is a great way to miss the point of dating. People don t date your dating history, they date  you. Your dating history or lack thereof is a  part  of who you are, not the totality. Having little or no dating experience isn t a drawback as long as there s more to you than who you haven t slept with. If all you are is who you (don t) bang well, why should  anyone want to date you? If you want to date more, then you need to be someone  worth dating. That has nothing to do with experience and  everything to do with what you bring to the table. Yes, there will be people who will dismiss someone out of hand because of inexperience. That s  fine.

Yes, the rejection may sting, but they have shown you that the two of you were incompatible on a fundamental level. Inexperience can be frustrating, but it s not the handicap people think it is. Don t let self-limiting beliefs hold you back.

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