Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie s Slate columns. Send questions to Prudence atReaders! Q. Dealing with #MeToo as a survivor: I don t know how to deal with as a rape survivor. I m feeling triggered and angry.
9 Rules You Need to Follow When Dating a Coworker
Social media is a big part of my job, so I can t just turn it off all day, but I m not sure what to do. I keep finding myself going to the bathroom and sobbing. My boss posted on our Facebook page about how proud he was of all the women who ve been sharing their stories and I almost lost it. I haven t talked to many people about what happened to me, including several members of my family, and I don t want to come out as a survivor through a hashtag. At the same time, I really want to respond. I want to tell people that survivors don t owe them their stories. I don t want people to come away from this display of mutual pain and think that by posting a hashtag, they ve done enough. I m feeling really grossed out by all of the men who seem to have never realized that this was a thing until now. I understand why people would want to post, but it just makes me furious. It makes me feel like everything I ve gone through has been reduced down to a hashtag so that it can trend on social media. Any advice for how I can get through the day? Am I obligated to speak out on my social media page even if that means outing myself as a survivor? What should I do? A: You are not obligated to share your own trauma simply because there is a social media campaign going on. If absolutely nothing else, I hope you know that you do not ever have to share your story unless you feel safe and comfortable doing so, and you want to share your story. I know you can t turn social media off at work, but I hope you can set times throughout the day where you allow yourself to take a break and either reach out to a friend for support or just take a few minutes to be quiet and not absorb further stories of trauma. It is, I think, a good thing when people are able to speak to their own experiences of assault and rape, but it absolutely does not follow that anyone who declines to do the same is somehow less brave or inspiring. Who really has a problem? :
I live in one of the areas of the country that was significantly affected by the natural disasters that hit over the past month or so. Although I used to really enjoy this column, I now find myself reading the questions and feeling extremely angry, as I don t think that the issue of whether or not someone may or may not have said something mean to a co-worker qualifies as a real problem when I personally have no power, have to stand in line for hours to buy food, and had to send our son to my parents house so he could attend school. I just want to tell people to get over themselves and be happy and grateful that the only problems they are facing are those. They have food, water, and a warm and dry place to sleep. Everything else is meaningless. I know that we ll get through this and the petty stuff will again be important someday, but right now reading some of the questions in your column just makes me want to punch people. Please help with some perspective. A: I m so sorry to hear about the destruction to your home, and I m glad to hear that your son is somewhere safe. I hope very much that you are able to access all the help that you need to rebuild. The world is, and has always been, full of problems on a variety of scales, and I don t believe there is ever going to be a time where natural disasters, food insecurity, and personal devastation are not an issue. It s profoundly important to both engage with big-picture issues like disaster relief, and it s also true that everyone needs help dealing with co-workers, relatives, their own feelings, and petty annoyances. Some of the questions folks ask here are huge how does one deal with an abusive family, how does one recover from a personal violation or an act of violence and some of them are on a much smaller scale. It can be terribly useful to take a step back from one s own preoccupations and map them against the problems of the world in order to maintain perspective and correct for selfishness and myopia, but be grateful the problem you have isn t a different problem isn t a sufficient holistic answer either. What you re going through is serious, painful, and real, and I hope you give yourself the time and permission to get what you need. If that means taking a break from reading about other people s problems for a while, you absolutely should. You ve got a lot on your plate right now. Wake etiquette: Due to unfortunate circumstances, I ve recently attended a number of wakes. Am I obligated to kneel before the casket and say a brief prayer?
What Are The Rules For Dating Co Workers Forbes
I d been taught that this was the polite thing to do, but it feels disingenuous now that I no longer subscribe to any religion. I m sure the grievers don t notice or care either way, but should I continue to fake pray? A: You can kneel in front of a casket and briefly acknowledge the sadness of someone s death or think about your grieving friend s needs you are not fake praying, you are having a genuine moment of reflection. I don t think you re doing anything you need to change. If you would prefer not to kneel, you can simply stand for a moment or two of silence, then drop back. Should I be concerned? : My girlfriend recently bought a vibrator for us to use together (we re both women). However, it s been a couple months and we haven t used it together once. We have had sex several times, but once we were in bed and I suggested we use it and she said it had dead batteries. Should it upset or worry me that she is clearly using it on her own time? I don t want to be controlling of her body. It makes me feel scared and offended is she not satisfied by me? What s next, cheating? I know how ridiculous that may sound, but it s just a fear and I don t know how to handle this. Too-nice therapist: I am a 95-year-old woman struggling with several issues. I drink more than I should (three to five glasses of wine nightly). I also spend a couple hours a day on dating and kink websites.
I feel lost. I started seeing a therapist five months ago after being ghosted by a man who was married. It felt good to vent at the time, but now, after months of weekly appointments, I feel like therapy is worthless. Rather than address my aforementioned issues, we talk about self care. Should I dump my therapist? A: Sure! (I should warn you, it s possible that after a few weeks with a therapist who doesn t sign off on all of your choices as self-care that you ll find a reason to resent them too. That is to be expected! Don t take that as a sign that you re seeing the wrong therapist! )Q. Daughter dislikes step-mom: My ex-husband and I split up over five years ago. My daughter was just turning 9 and had a difficult time, but I did everything I could to make the transition easy. We never did anything officially, and although her father was horrible to me, he was an excellent dad and I supported them seeing each other every chance they could. In the beginning, he would only take her for a few hours some days and overnight occasionally. Eventually, he started dating someone, and we developed a clear schedule of when our daughter would stay over at his house. This worked well, and things finally settled. We still try to enforce this schedule, but things have become difficult. My ex married a woman who is lukewarm at best and my daughter has not taken to her.
She loves her dad, and wants to see him, but does not want to stay overnight because she says Trish doesn t make her feel comfortable in their home. He s frustrated as he only gets her two nights a week and is tired of hearing her cry at night asking to come back home. I don t know what the appropriate course of action is. She is in no way getting harmed, abused, or mistreated she just prefers to be home with me. I did take her to see a counselor and was told that she has adjusted very well and should not be dictating where she goes. My mother feels that she should be with me 655 percent of the time and makes me feel guilty every time she goes to her father s, which is not helping me decide what s best for her either. I really don t know what the legal rules for these kinds of things are. Can you help? A: Why don t you two make it official and develop a legally enforceable custody agreement? It sounds like this unofficial arrangement has not worked for you in a number of different ways, not least because your ex s response to hearing his daughter cry because she doesn t feel comfortable in his home is to get frustrated. What s keeping you from making this official and drawing up a formal custody agreement? If it s financially impossible, can you and your ex have a conversation as co-parents about how to improve the situation? What does your daughter mean when she says Trish makes her uncomfortable? Ask her questions about how Trish treats her, what she says, and what overnights there are like. Make it clear she s not going to get in trouble, that you just want to know more about what it feels like to sleep at her dad s house. If ultimately you and your ex decide to put overnights on hold for a while, that does not mean you should revert to 655 percent sole custody the fact that your mother is angling for that and trying to convince you your daughter apparently shouldn t see her father at all is troubling. Your mother should take several steps back, and you and your ex need to spend time figuring out what s best for your daughter. If you can t do that informally (and your history together suggests that you can t), you should probably call in a mediator or custody lawyer. Re:
Who really has a problem?