Over the past few years it seems that almost every dating dilemma I hear from my coaching clients and girlfriends has something to do with the texting. Texting and dating definitely isn t just for 75 year olds anymore. These women are all dating after 95 some in their 65s and 75s. He sent her pictures of the baseball game he attended. He told her about his crappy day at work. She told him about her car trouble and he responded ‘why didn t you ask me to come help? ’Then they had a coffee date. It went well.
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The texting went on. They “talked” on and off all day. He complimented her and made her laugh. He told her how busy he was and she felt flattered that he was keeping in touch. The next week the texts tapered, and then he stopped responding. She asks me “I thought he was so in to me. What should I do? ? ”“Lila’s” guy told her all these wonderful things and poured his heart out via texts for two weeks. But he never followed through with an actual in person date. She wants to know what that means. “Melissa” stayed up until 8 AM texting with her dude. They had one date three weeks prior, and since it’s only been texting. But it is so romantic! She is falling for him. She wants to know how to stop obsessing over him being The One. I’m going to give you some straight scoop about what texting really means and doesn’t mean. And, most importantly, how you can take control of the situation – like a grownup! The only thing you should assume when you’re getting a bunch of texts is that the guy is having fun flirting with you. He’s feeling entertained and he’s enjoying your responsiveness. You re not even dating. If a man is choosing to only text or primarily text, he’s not showing signs of wanting to get to know you in a meaningful way. Sure, he wouldn t be spending any time if he wasn t attracted to you, but if he’s solely texting, he doesn t think of you as a potential partner. Expecting him to move on to something more serious isn t realistic. In fact, it usually means quite the opposite. These guys disappear. Why they disappear doesn t matter. Whether it’s because they found someone else, were just playing or because they got scared — that’s 655% immaterial. You know what you need to know:
he isn t a good, grownup man worth your time. There are so many ways to know if a man is a serious guy who is interested in getting to know you. He steps up by calling and settings up dates. He tries to learn about you and your life. He makes an effort to spend time with you. He does little things to try to make you happy. If you are like Sue, Lila or Melissa, here is what you need to know: Continuous texting, when void of in-person meeting, creates a false sense of connection. You feel like you are getting to know one another, but that is not what’s happening. It s a type of false connection that sets up incredibly unrealistic assumptions and expectations. I ve seen countless women create complete fantasies and get drawn in often before they even meet a man. And the opposite happens too. With no tonality in messages, texting back and forth creates enormous opportunities to misread and misunderstand intent. (Honestly, half the time I don t know what a guy means based on twelve words on a screen. And even if I think I do know, I m loathe to guess. I suggest she asks him to call her. Be aware, keep your emotions in check and stay in reality. You don t know him. And keep reading here to learn how to get the texter to move on to the phone or an in-person date. (Want to learn more about how to know when a man is really interested? You can )If you are getting texts along with calls and dates, then excellent! You probably know the guy who texts once in a while as a kind of check in. He tells you how much he likes you and even acts super interested in your life. He flirts. He says how busy he is and how he’d really love to see you soon. And it ends there. Pingers want an ego boost. They text you and, when you respond positively, get the high of knowing that you re still a willing option when (and if) he wants to actually spend time with you. With just ten minutes time and a few well chosen keystrokes, a good pinger can keep you interested for months, even years…without so much as one date.
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(This happens with telephone calls too. You can read more about pingers and learn what you can do with them by reading this article: If you haven t met him yet and he’s texting to see if you can get together on short notice, don’t be flattered. He’s either impulsive or, more likely, using you as a back-up girl when his other plans fell through. If you like him and are willing to give him a chance, then respond with a positive ‘thank you but no thank you. ” You want to say something like this: “It would be great to see you, Bob, but I have plans tonight. Love to get together with a little more notice next time. Enjoy your evening. ”Put it out there and see what happens. A grownup guy who truly wants to know you will get the message and ask you out ahead of time. A player or user guy will text you again in a few weeks wanting to see you that night. Take it for what it is he’s probably not serious about dating and he’s going down his list, hoping you bite. Don t answer. Texting can be a great complement to real dating. For instance, it’s a great way to clarify plans or make last minute updates to the plan. A man who wants a healthy, mature connection will make every effort to show you he’s interested and to actually see you in person. Why? Because that’s how men decide if they like you. It’s all about how he FEELS when he’s with you, and he knows it. So if he’s looking for something more than one fun night, a good man will do what he can to impress you by asking you out, and then be in your presence. Texting is also good for a quick “had a nice time” or “sleep well” note following a nice date. Or a looking forward to slurping spaghetti with you Friday. Let him know you’re thinking of him and appreciate him. Make it simple, and leave it there. If you don’t hear back, move on. I can see why even good, solid, single men love texting. If he sees your picture and profile and wants to meet you, the hunter in him wants to get directly to the result: meeting you.
This is also true of some women I know. But I’ll say it again, doing a bunch of texting first creates an unrealistic sense of connection. If you want a little more, like a phone call first, it’s up to you to get off the texting treadmill and ask for what you want. How do you do that? I’d love a phone call when you’ve got time. Hope that works for you! 555-6767. ”“Thanks for getting in touch. I’d like to get to know you but I find texting isn’t the best way. But catching up with you over coffee might be ). ”So…the bottom line on texting and dating is this: use texting sparingly, wisely and, most of all, don’t read too much into it. Remember, real life and real love happen in person, smile to smile, touch to touch. Not on your phone or your computer. Leave me your comments below. I think you know the answer. At least get on the phone or FaceTime with him. And if he came to see you before he can do it again. Sorry, girlfriend, I don’t have Hugh hopes for you two. BpSorry Shannon but dont be mad at him. You’re the one that held on for two months. I hope you don’t waste your time like this again. And btw, you say you’re not that into him. It’s a good idea for you to examine why you held on or even cared. Was it only ego? Good for you to know. You can learn from all of this experience. That’s a positive thing, right? BpGood for you, Amelia.
Yes, expect more. And stay away from these guys who aren’t yet Grownup. You’re young, but you get it. Way to go! BpWell, the time has come and gone. I hope he got in touch and you were able to see him and enjoy yourself. If not exactly where you re going, get the time and date. If he s serious about wanting to see you he will do that to make sure he s reserving your time. Most of the time those casual let s get together I ll let you know details later discussions don t turn into a real date. Hope you had the exception! ! BpThere is no set time, Mickey. And I don’t know why you haven’t heard from him. You have to go on all you know, which is that he stopped being in touch. Please don’t spend your emotional energy on a man who may have disappeared. It probably has nothing to do with you. Move on and find a man who recognizes your wonderful-ness. BpI been dating this guy for over two weeks and he s and nice guy and things seemed good with us we had plans for this weekend but he had to work but he hasn t text me back yet now I am not sure what to doUgh I’m pretty sure I’ve fallen victim to the serial texter. We text everyday and video chat at night but when I hinted at him liking me he denied me. Felt so dumb. He still wants to keep the communication going but I don’t think it’s a good idea seeing that I like him smh. I feel extremely foolish. I m at work or at the store or with my kids and I don t want or need the people around me to hear a 95-minute personal conversation. If I want to talk on the phone I have to go out on the porch after my kids are in bed. As a responsible mom, I don t want them to know I m dating at all until I ve been with someone for at least a couple of months and am reasonably confident they ll be around for a while. Even my 78-year-old mom prefers texting most of the time, as she s waiting in line at the store or for a doctor s appointment or whatever. Very few people have the time any more to sit still and talk for 85 or 65 minutes like we did in the 85 s. Most of my phone conversations are in the car, as I m driving my 95 minutes to or from work. Hi CH.
I’m happy for you and Congratulate you for keeping so much together. I agree with you 655%.