When I write an, Sabrina and I will usually discuss the content before it goes live. Recently the subject of guys and breakups came up and Sabrina and I went back and forth about what guys generally go through when they breakup. It came down to be too much to put into the article I was writing, so we decided that I should throw it all into an installment of Decoding Male Behavior. To start, I wanted to write this article to dispel some of the misconceptions I ve heard in regards to men and breakups. To dispel the misconceptions, let s take a look at some of the universal truths about guys and breakups some of which may surprise you since they certainly are hidden from the surface. Breakups are hard on all guys. The fact is: If a guy is profoundly obnoxious or terrible after a breakup, it is most often a testament to how rough the breakup was on him.
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Some people cope by lashing out. Etc. In fact, guys like to keep their emotional spectrum focused on a tight range of emotions somewhere between amusement and contentedness. So any interaction that a guy knows will bring him out of that sweet range of emotions is an interaction he s going to do everything he can to avoid. Personally, I have had breakups where I pretty much went cold. It s not that I simply stopped caring. I wanted her to be OK, I wanted good things for her in life, but I knew that nothing was going to make the situation better. No discussion was going to fix things, no clarity was to be had it would have just been an emotional toilet for both of us. I realize it probably came off jerky, but when I cut off communication, my heart is in the right place. )In the case where you dumped the guy, one common reason is that the guy doesn t want to be alone, he doesn t want to deal with his grief over the breakup and he doesn t want to deal with himself. That is to say, he seeks his feeling of validation and worth from how a woman treats him. It s not uncommon for people, men or women, to derive their sense of well-being, self-worth, and self-esteem from how other people treat them. When a person (male or female) realizes that only they themselves can be responsible for their emotions, actions, and reactions they break the chain of seeking a sense of OK-ness externally. For people that haven t yet fully realized that all of us need to be emotionally responsible (which is most people), this is where much of the pain of the breakup originates from (they blame themselves for not measuring up or they blame the other person for not making them happy or a little of both). It s incredibly painful to believe that someone else could be responsible for your emotions or that you could possibly be responsible for their emotions. It s painful because it s a belief that something that is impossible is could be possible and therefore sets countless impossible expectations into motion. When we believe something that is out of alignment with reality, we suffer To wrap up this point: Most people can t recognize when they believe something impossible, nor can they see the false belief as the source for all of the suffering All they experience is the continuous suffering and they want the suffering to end. I don t think it s that guys don t want to deal with the breakup I think it s more that they wouldn t even know how or where to begin all they feel is suffering and they want it to end.
Again, all this was said in the context of if they guy was the one who was dumped. If this happened in your case, I m sorry I get it and honestly, I think all of us, man and woman, have been there at one time or another. I don t have much to say about it, other than that it sucks and that your best move is to move on, get back out there and date new people. Sure, you could seek closure or try to get your ex back or do any of the things all of us have tried but if I could go back and tell my 65-year-old self a piece of advice about breakups, it would be, If you get dumped, just move on right away. It doesn t mean anything about you, your worth, your attractiveness, your value, etc. It has nothing to do with you, you don t need to understand, you don t need closure. Move on immediately, you ll save yourself a whole lot of time and heartache. Every guy has a set of core values for who he is, what he stands for, and what he really wants out of life. Maybe he changes his lifestyle, stops hanging out with certain friends, or changes his habits. It seems innocent enough, but over time the guy begins to starve for whatever it was he got from the things he gave up. My boyfriend pulled a Houdini and possibly a Tigerwoods I was his first real girlfriend and so I know there was a point where he genuinely cared about me I guess my question which he refused to answer after he blocked me on facebook (who does that? ) was what did I do wrong? What made you not want this anymore? And I know it wasn t because I went psycho on him or got clingy. We were living on different islands and I told him he only needed to talk to me once a week. Most girls require that kind of commitment all day every day. I tried to talk to him I just want closure I want to be assured that it isn t me. In any event Oddly enough I don t hate him. I think we could go back to being friends.
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I just really want to know. Sounds to me like he might have something to be ashamed for doing and blocking you on social media leads me to believe he s not man enough to give you A straight answer or closure. I get it tho I m so sorry that happened to you too I really don t understand themGood article. It s interesting when a man decodes male behavior. But why do men expect women to be completely loyal while they move on quickly. I can understand a person who takes a while to get back expecting or believing that the other would have the same feeling. But for a person who would expected complete loyalty and dedication to move on so quickly, I mean that s something. Men are quick to label women who move on that fast. I dint understand such hypocrisy btw. Thank youplz write your suggestion and comment and sorry for mistakes my english is too bad. I m 65 and my ex who is 66 who i thought was the love of my life and he always told me we would get married and have kids broke up with me on christmas and not even a week after we had sex which was when he took my virginity what should I do. He s a kid and so he won t man up and tell you that he just wanted sex. He ll run away scared. That s just life. I m not sure what s going on in his head ofcourse, but from what you re saying, he just wasn t looking for or wasn t ready for commitment. I m dating a guy who is in denial about his breakup in early October. He was dumped and a few days later started seeking dates. Hopefully he comes to terms with that breakup but as far as he and I go, I m keeping it casual in my mind. Thanks Eric and will forever be grateful to such a awesome articles you have been writing.
Stay blessed. Hey, great article! The information here goes both ways, doesn t just apply to men but to women too. I broke up about 9 months ago, I have been single since then, and honestly I want to be like this for a while. My new gain freedom feels so good! Been experiencing new stuff, including dancing classes and don t need to report to anyone. Or hear from a girl, - Oh now you are in a dance class with just women! I don t want you there! On the contrary, my ex-girlfriend after a month was already seeing another guy. She posted publicly on her Facebook. She has always been very needy, and now she makes this guy like her white knight. I don t feel bad, I have dealt with most of my pain already. One day, she will need to deal with hers, which she clearly has been trying to avoid. I m in the same boat my friend. It was the first time I ve ever been seriously let down by someone and it amazes me that I used to think she was such a nice and considerate person. I mean, she updated her Facebook knowing that I would see it on Christmas Day. Hmm this insight is very similar to the BS that guys spew at the time of the break-up. I care. .
Like you care about the homeless or a lost puppy. I would like to know how this care impacts ones behavior (rhetorical). Oh that s right this cold behavior is because I care so much. I get it because I become very aloof when I find the need to put my protective wall up. I don t want a guy to know how much I care because it takes away my control, power and makes me feel way too vulnerable. Stephanie, I feel the exact same way. The last I heard from my bf was in a text at 8 a. M. After he had been taking Vicodin for back pain and drinking Jack Daniels I can t do this anymore. He started to break it off two weeks before that in a I don t want your loving me to hurt you, you re so blah, blah, blah, good, caring, blah blah. The very next day he texted me to meet him for brunch! Then the clincher ICDTA, and nothing. I sent a few texts the first couple of days asking if we could at least end it face to face and NADA, not a word. I feel like the biggest fool! In reality, he s the fool because he lost something very special and I m probably lucky if he s an addict that he s not in my life. I dated a man for 5 months, I m 87 and he s 89 so we re both in stable places, with successful jobs, wanting the same goals in life (family, kids etc). We we were not that bickering couple, we only had a disagreement on whether to take shoes off in the apartment or a disagreement on how to spend the 9th of July weekend, but nothing that caused regular fights or doubts. Then one day he told me he was going to see his doctor for an annual checkup so I told him (now I regret this, but I trusted him at the time) that I have a medical condition with my blood, and that he should get a blood test on it to see if our hypothetical kids would be OK. He had no problem doing that, and did the blood test.
Turns out he didn t have the blood condition and all was fine.