Let me paint a common story for you: It s been a while since you ve started trying to get better at dating and it seems like you re no further along than you have been before. If anything, you re actually getting worse. The more posts you read, the more approaches you make none of it seems to be working. You ve plateaued. You ve. You re not getting any responses from your. You re getting nowhere meeting people in person.
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The longer this goes on, the more you re becoming convinced more than ever that this whole dating/sex/talking to other people thing is something that other people do and you d be better off weighing the pros and cons of a monastic life of quiet desperation and a poetic death via alcoholism interspersed with self-pitying and slightly arch animated gif parades on Tumblr. As far as I could tell, I was doing everything right, so why the hell was I fucking up every. God. Damn. TIME?
? Well, as it turns out, it wasn t a case of my technique being bad or women being bitches or any number of other things I told myself to explain my failures away. I was sabotaging myself in a number of ways that I didn t even realize and until I took the time to recognize this and actually address these issues, I was never going to get better. Over the years I ve seen these issues crop up again and again I ve seen them in friends, in the letters I ve gotten as Dr. NerdLove, even in myself in different aspects of my daily life.
The things that hold us back in dating almost always systematically bleed into the other parts of our lives as well and it s only when we can be honest with ourselves, confront and address these issues that we can manage to move forward and start making the progress we know we can achieve. An attitude of This sucks, this will never work, I ll never_______, only _____ people get to do _____, only guarantees that you are indeed correct it won t ever work, nor will you ever do whatever it is that you ve been hoping. They re self-limiting beliefs beliefs that you allow to take over your life and restrict you from achieving what you hope to achieve. Your attitude literally limits you because you make it come true. When you tell yourself that you will never ________ because only X guys do _______ and you re not X, you re artificially cutting yourself off from any and all possibilities.
If, for example, you believe that only alpha for a suitably mistaken definition of alpha men get women, then that will be part of your reality. Not because it s true but because that s what you believe everywhere you go, you will find continuous proof that this is true. Nothing but miles and miles of assholes with the women you want as far as the eye can see Or so you think. Your negative belief is causing you to fall victim to a common fallacy known as confirmation bias the tendency to only notice or pay heed to that which confirms your pre-existing belief. If you believe no woman could possibly find you attractive, you will elide over all evidence to the contrary women flirting with you, giving you the come-hither stare or even just smiling at you and focus like a laser on every incidence of negativity.
You will see every interaction in the worst possible light: she doesn t like me, she s clearly repulsed by me, she s only being polite, I m misreading the signals This apparently unending stream of reinforcement will only serves to perpetuate a vicious cycle your self-limiting beliefs cause you to overlook evidence to the contrary, thus reinforcing the belief which, in turn, continues to make it impossible to see the truth. Your negative attitude will seep into everything you do it will affect your attitude, your self-image, even your posture all of which will serve to work against you. Breaking negativity can be difficult it takes time and effort to willfully decide to take a positive attitude and belief and stick to it. But the fun thing about confirmation bias?
It works both ways. Believing in yourself that you re attractive, that you have a lot to offer others, that you can and will succeed can actually help you.