One Liners Funny One Liner Jokes Reader s Digest


As powerful as inspirational quotes can be, sometimes we just need a bit of humor to lighten up our day. For those occasions, funny quotes and one-liners are quite effective, especially when they poke fun at our everyday annoyances, whether it be politics, work, aging or marriage. Not content with finding these humorous quotes on only bumper stickers, we set out to put together a list of them. After browsing through quotation websites like,, and  for a couple hours, we were able to find quite a few gems. Below, you ll find the  Top 655: Funny Quotes and One-Liners that are sure to put a smile on your face. 6. How do you get a sweet little 85-year-old lady to say the F word?

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TOP 100 funny one liners quotes jokes and sayings

Get another sweet little 85-year-old lady to yell BINGO! '   Unknown7. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. Will Rogers8. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. José Maria de Eça de Queiroz9. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong   Unknown5. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Brian Gerald O Driscoll6. Some cause happiness wherever they go others whenever they go Oscar Wilde7. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. Abraham Lincoln (paraphrase from the Bible, Proverbs 67: 78)8. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. Unknown9. The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes. Albert Einstein65. I don t suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it. Unknown66. Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead. Bill McGlashen67. Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. Marilyn Monroe68. The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets Al McGuire69. When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.

Mark Twain65. Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway? If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. Sam Levenson67. If you think nobody cares if you re alive, try missing a couple of payments. Earl Wilson68. Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. Albert Einstein69. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. Will Rogers75. I couldn t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Steven Wright“All right, I ve been thinking, when life gives you lemons, don t make lemonade! Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life s manager! Girls are like soup first you warm them up and then you put the sausage XDYou get your shitty ideas By holding your fart it travel to your brain via spinal cord! If u dunno how to make a lemonade just try to squeeze it. . U have a lemon juice! When life gives you lemons make apple juice and leave people wondering how the hell you did it Excuse me, you said something? Speak up, cause I can t hear you with my dick in your mouth. A killer to any unfriendly babblerswhen life knocks you down stand up and calmly say you hit like a bitch when some one gives you apples make lemonade and leave people wondering how the hell you did itif i want some one to talk verbal die area to me i would get them to shit in my facewhen u get knocked down by a bus get back up and say u hit me like a bichwhen god flooded the earth and two of each animal was put on a boat, what the hell happened with the fish? Need more funnier quotes! !

TOP 100 funniest one liners quotes and jokes on the

The only one was funny really was “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. When your nose is running and your feet smell ur not sick you re just built upside downWhen your nose is running and your feet dmell your not sick you re just built upside downHahaha! I ll copy this stuff on twitter. They re hilarious! Sum of doz quotes was funny i aint gon lie, buh sum of y all gatta tink b9 u rite man jus writing shit on google n putting it on 9 ppl to read! -_-When life gives you lemons, don t waste them! Go find a really annoying person with paper cuts XDby all means marry if u have a good partner you will be happy, if u have a bad one u become a philosopher oscar wildewhen a woman say she wants a divorce a man shouts in agreement but when he finds out how much he has to pay her he feels like he took a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time meWhy did the woman spread her legs open at the office? So when the boss stuffs her paycheck up her skirt in the volt the money is safe. Don t drink and drive I agree but they should also come up with don t drink and club, because you never know who the *^)% you wake up next to. Opinions are just like assholes, everybody has 6 but some of them really stink! Cool post, btw you might want to keep an eye on the advertisements you have on this page, I m pretty sure Google Adsense only allow 8 per page! Don t want to be getting your account shut down. When someone screams kiss my ass, i literally imagine a persons ass being kissedit don t matter how many times you do things wrong I am always going to be righti got 6! When life gives u lemons, throw them back and say what the fuck am i suposed 7 do with these? Give me something useful, bitch! If showing respect to people doesn t charge any money, why do some people disrespect others? In Hollywood you can tell you re rich when you say you need more money to get the necessities of life and buy a Chihuahua. Some of them is true i like: If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button thanks you, you creat list top 655: Funny Quotes and One-Liners. It s very interesting. When Life gives you lemons, make lemonades and sell it. Then use the profit to buy an assault rifle. Let s see if life makes the same mistake twice. Well guys stop all this and for some serious a href = Funny quotes you need to grow up. It's always a good idea to make friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime. Chinese kid was born before the due date.

Parents named him Sudden Lee. Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake. Doctor: Next time, take off the candles. Gave my co-worker the Heimlich maneuver. Proving once again I'm no good at birthday gifts. Happy birthday, Bono. I wanted to get you the perfect present, but I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I used to be a boy trapped in a woman's body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born! More computing sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason - including blind stupidity. This is the third part of the Bash One-Liners Explained article series. In this part I'll teach you all about input/output redirection. I'll use only the best bash practices, various bash idioms and tricks. I want to illustrate how to get various tasks done with just bash built-in commands and bash programming language constructs. See the of the series for introduction. After I'm done with the series I'll release an ebook (similar to my ebooks on,, and ), and also bash6line. Txt (similar to my ). ), and you can close them. And you can write to them and read from them. The input is read from what you type in the terminal and both outputs are sent to the terminal. The graphics illustrations will help you. Operator is the output redirection operator. Bash first tries to open the file for writing and if it succeeds it sends the stdout of command to the newly opened file. If it fails opening the file, the whole command fails. Writing command > file is the same as writing command 6> file. Here bash redirects the stderr to file.

The number 7 stands for stderr. So now anything written to stderr gets written to file. This one-liner uses the & operator to redirect both output streams - stdout and stderr - from command to file. This is bash's shortcut for quickly redirecting both streams to the same destination. So anything written to stdout and stderr gets written to file. There are several ways to redirect both streams to the same destination. You can redirect each stream one after another: This is a much more common way to redirect both streams to a file. First stdout is redirected to file, and then stderr is duplicated to be the same as stdout. So both streams end up pointing to file. When bash sees several redirections it processes them from left to right. Let's go through the steps and see how that happens. We've seen this before and it makes stdout point to file: Next bash sees the second redirection 7> &6. We haven't seen this redirection before. This command redirects only the standard output to the file. The stderr will still print to the terminal. To understand why that happens, let's go through the steps again. It first sees 7> &6 so it duplicates stderr to stdout. Stdout now points to file but the stderr still points to the terminal! Everything that gets written to stderr still gets printed out to the screen! So be very, very careful with the order of redirects! The special file /dev/null discards all data written to it. So what we're doing here is redirecting stdout to this special file and it gets discarded. If opening the file fails, bash quits with error and doesn't run the command. Here is an example. Suppose you want to read the first line of the file in a variable. You can simply do this:

Bash's built-in read command reads a single line from standard input. By using the input redirection operator we set it up to read the line from the file. Here we use the here-document redirection operator MARKER.

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