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There aren't too many products that feel the need to reassure you that they are, in fact, food. Already not a good sign. The list of ingredients is long and horrifying, coming right out of the gate with MECHANICALLY SEPARATED CHICKEN. Oddly enough, I'm about to be separated from my lunch, and I haven't even opened the can yet. Bizarre. God knows what else is in here. Okay, I'm going to go try it now. If i'm not back in ten minutes, call Poison Control.

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Okay, here we go-- Pulling back the lid (not recommended) lets loose an odor that punches you in the nose like a stinky fist. If you've ever smelled a can of dog food, it's just like that. Only imagine you are opening the can while your head is wedged in a horse's ass. Inside is a smooth, oddly pink meat paste. So smooth, in fact, I dare call it creamy.

(I actually got a little gaggy just typing that. ) Surprisingly, it was a little spicier than I expected. Although, that sensation may have been a by-product of my tastebuds dying. The can shows a serving suggestion of the Potted Meat being served on squares of toast. I would also suggest squares of toilet paper.

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Or maybe a nice diaper. All I can tell you is, I survived the first installment of Steve, Don't Eat It. And I have to admit it may have even been a little educational. I know I learned at least one thing from Ralph's Potted Meat -- Ralph is a fucking dick. Not surprisingly, I've come up with a little slogan the peeps who handle Potted Meat Marketing can use (no charge, as always):

POTTED MEAT FOOD PRODUCT: Made By, For, And With Assholes. While perusing the Good Lord, NOOOO! Aisle of the supermarket, I came across the atrocity known as Dolores Brand Pickled Pork Rinds. These are their grosser, soggier, potentially botulism-ier cousins.

There is also a red starburst proudly proclaiming Nuevo Envase de Vidrio Reusable. Not knowing much Spanish, I could only assume that meant Oh Crap -- A Jar of Skin! I was wrong. It means: New Reusable Glass Container which I think is their subtle way of saying you can also use the jar to puke in.

Okay.

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