Here s a most excellent letter about a question that every woman has asked at some point in her life: “Why is it that a guy fiercely pursues a woman at first, and then when he finds out she is actually interested he is not so sure if he is interested anymore? And then his interest wanes and he starts treating her like an option instead of a priority? When can you let a guy know you are interested! At what stage? Is dating just one big game? How do you get a guy to treat you like priority instead of an option? For background, I’m 79, live in Australia, and I’ve been on 5 dates with this guy so far but we haven’t kissed yet.
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” SheilaWell well. An excellent question that has been posed by women since time immemorial. There he was, totally interested, looking dapper in his buffalo skin while nonchalantly swinging his club at the cave entrance, offering you some freshly killed mastodon meat. There he was, showing up outside your castle window every day in his mostly shiny but frankly also a little rusty armor, strumming his lute and warbling his troubadour songs. ” There he was, texting you right back when you texted him, even asking you out on actual grown-up dates to actual grown-up places like concerts and lectures, and then… poof.
What is up with that? ! Why do men lose interest? What, if anything, could you have done differently? Now, I don’t know exactly what was going on in your particular situation, Sheila, since I wasn’t there.
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However, I do know that I have been that man many, many times. Heck, I’m probably losing interest in someone right now, completely unbeknownst to myself but setting the mind of the poor lass on fire, and not necessarily in a good way. One saving grace is that most people, male or female, usually aren’t doing this stuff deliberately. It’s more accurate to attribute this kind of behavior to cluelessness rather than malice, with also makes it easier on you. In the meantime, it still sucks to be on the receiving end.
So let’s go through some scenarios to make sense of this and maybe give you some tools for handling it in the future. There are forces that strengthen the bond between two people, and forces that weaken it. For example, seeing a lot of each other generally strengthens the bond. Living far apart weakens the bond. Kissing and sex create bonding, since you’re producing bonding chemicals like oxytocin, which is why they re called bonding chemicals.
Shared values bond their violation separates. If the net forces bonding a couple are greater than those separating them, they tend to stay together. Otherwise, they come apart. So far, so obvious. Two strangers are gambling on each other, hoping something may come of it.
As a result, nobody’s willing to invest a whole hell of a lot of themselves in anything. Why waste time when a better match is around the corner?