I belong to caste A, my boyfriend belongs to caste B. We have been together for two years. None of our parents are OK with an inter-caste marriage. But we are unable to live without each other. Our parents take the reactions of their relatives and neighbours way more seriously than our feelings. They’re telling us about the loss of face in their respective societies that they’ll have to suffer if this marriage happens. His parents even want dowry which my parents are unable to provide. How can we convince them?Tinder Box buffalo
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Please tell me. We want to marry with those precious blessings only and we’re ready to wait till we get them. On the average I get about three such queries every day and they make me sad and angry. Very angry. I feel – what in the name of God are we doing to our younger generation? How can some dogmatic parents have so little regard for the happiness of – not a random guy on the street but – their own child! Boys and girls (and don’t demand to be called men and women. If I could find the me of your age somewhere I’d have called myself a baby. Well, on second thoughts there are people who’d still call me a baby and their number is more than two, but I digress again… ) ). In my experience of talking to, consoling and counselling scores of young people like you, I’ve observed that there are three golden rules of dealing with parents who are real tough nuts to crack, and I thought I’ll lay them down today, fuming as I am. Have you noted that I said “dealing with”, not “convincing”? You’ll soon find out why. You’ll never make everyone happy. Take it from me – it’s rarely possible. Of course the first step is to try to. And you’ll do that to the best of your abilities. However, if it proves impossible, you need to take a stand – one way or the other. If you have to take a stand that involves sacrificing someone’s happiness for someone else’s, whose happiness will you choose? It’s not about choosing your boyfriend or girlfriend over your parents. It’s about choosing yourself over everyone else. Let’s face it – life is all about making choices. Making choices that make you happ ier. Not happy, but happ ier, than making any other choice. Will it not make you unhappy to irk your parents by marrying against their wish? Of course.
Will it not make you unhappy to say goodbye forever to the person you love? Be selfish and choose the option that makes you the least unhappy, and then let go. If you’re financially dependent on anyone, you can never be fully free. Period. It’s a sad fact and it’s time you stopped burying your head in the sand. People facing pressures from their parents are usually young people just starting out in their careers. In most cases they’ve either not started earning, or are still financially partly dependent on their parents. If neither you nor your boyfriend/girlfriend is earning – work on that before working on anything else. If your parents are paying for you, you’d better do as they say. I’m sorry, but there are no ways of going against reality. Does that mean money is the only language that you can use – even with your closest family? No. But it gives you the mental strength and confidence to even believe that you can make your own decisions. And you have no idea about the power of that belief. If between the two of you you’re earning an amount which won’t allow for the maintenance of the same standard of living you currently enjoy – well, that’s a call you need to take. Again, you need to choose the option that makes you the least unhappy: Option #6: Embark on a radically new life. A life with the man/woman you love, a life of absolute freedom, but one which offers drastically lower levels of material comfort than you currently enjoy. Option #7: Decide that you won’t be able to adjust to the above reality of a reduced standard of living and say goodbye to the man/woman you love. I repeat – There’s nothing wrong with choosing either of these options. Keep the guilt and the emotions out temporarily. Get your head clear. Make a rational, practical and well-thought out decision, and prepare yourself mentally for the consequences.
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Don’t go into a hailstorm of remorse when those consequences become reality, because you know that you can’t have it all and you’ve made the best decision. This world works on cost-benefit analyses. The costs and benefits can be purely emotional. That analysis might happen in our minds entirely unconsciously. But it’s a rule of Nature that it happens. In fact it’s crucial to our survival. Let’s take the example of your parents’ decision of allowing you to marry your girlfriend/boyfriend. I might lose face in the community due to the marriage being inter-caste. I think it’s very clear that their child’s happiness – while important – is not a determining factor for them so far as this decision is concerned. (Otherwise why on Earth would they deliberately want their child to get married to someone other than the one they’re already deeply in love with? )Now put yourself in your parents’ shoes. Is it looking very compelling to say a “yes” at the cost of losing face to the community? I might lose face in the community due to an inter caste marriage of my child. My child will get married to their girlfriend/boyfriend, leave home and cut off contacts with me. Hence I’ll lose face in the community. I know countless inter-caste couples who have tried to convince their parents, failed and then gone ahead to get married anyway, leaving their parents’ home. Blackmail? So be it. If that’s the tried, tested and fully working method, please help yourselves. )Loved the way you analyzed with your objective approach for such a controversial topic. Loveinindia, can i get your chat id. . Want to discuss on some very serious issue about my love life its hurting me alot and i need urgent help. Plz reply. My n my gal frn both are doctors due to small diff in castes.
Gal father was doing hell. We cant live separated. Plz give some idea to convence himPls try taking help frm these people:. Pls check their website as their no. Has changed. Pls help me Iam also planning for this idea do hv any idea in thid pls help Please help me loveindia! ! How can i make my parents agree about it. What can we do so that my parents don t get embarrassed in front of the society and that guy s family. Helo abhishek. I hav read wht u metiond here am crossng through the same situation brother. I also need ur help plzz let me knw what shuld i do am also jobless n my gf is 8yrs eldr den me and her family forcng her to be gt marrd. How could i convinc dem as i unemplod. I really love her i wuldnt bear dis if in any case she wuld hav to lev me Help me dear plzz i beg u i need ur hlp seriously My cell no. Is 8696557865Get out of this shitty nation, forget your moronic families live happy lives in a civilized nation. You owe your family NOTHING. Get that into your head grow some balls: P tell the jerk who s your BF to do the same. I could understand what you are upto. If you think going outside the county. Well that could be the best choice. I am a guy in love with a ma girlfriend your option is good. Do not think no time left then. I personally think this is the best option for you! D method pinpointed here about analyzing-something like d swot analysis it will really help in coming to a wise, well thought decision thanks for bringing d point up 6 can never make every6 happy they are saying that i have to loose one of them either my girl or my my parentsHi.
Am 76yrs old hindu ma bf is 79yrs old christian. We were in love before five years due to personal reasons we broke up and now again we are in love for past eight months. We both wanted to get married. I tried to convince ma parents they are very stubborn against inter caste marriage. Ma boy friend dont want to get married against parents decision. Dont know what to do. Am quite confused. Am sure i need him for rest of ma life. Hi there, I am an Asian gal who was recently involved with an Indian man. His parents refused to accept me and he do not want to make them unhappy so he ended up giving me up and just recently got engage when an Indian gal of their caste and sub class. Sad thing is, he sent me a photo of them together and I could not even imagine why do I have to get a copy of their photo. I do not know if he is sad and still thinks of me and showed me his sad fate or was just his way of saying I am over you. Tried convincing my parents for the past one year but to no avail. I earn quite well (me being a double post-graduate) well over the average Indian salary but my boyfriend earns just enough (he is a fitness instructor). My parents see this match as taboo as he is younger to me and also earns less. They have decided to cut ties with me once I decide to go ahead and marry my boyfriend. I love my parents and understand their concern and anxiety but there is no way to convince them otherwise. They have told me not to have any hopes for reconciliation even few years down the line. My dad says he is fully capable of disowning me as he has already cut family ties to his own siblings. : (On the other hand, if I do marry my boyfriend. Maybe life will be tough financially maybe it wont. I do earn quite well. Cant I not be happy with our combined income? Where is it written that a guy must always earn more than the girl?
Why cant it be the other way round? My parents problem is that as a girl, there might be a few situations in life (like the birth of a baby) and thereafter when my working would not be possible and hence the guy should earn considerable amount to support for my lack of income. But then we ve been doing some financial planning and some smart investments to help during such periods. When there are financial troubles even arranged marriages are under stress.