E verybody wants what feels good. If I ask you, “What do you want out of life? ” and you say something like, “I want to and have a great family and a job I like, ” it’s so ubiquitous that it doesn’t even mean anything. A more interesting question, a question that perhaps you’ve never considered before, is what pain do you want in your life? What are you willing to struggle for? Because that seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives turn out. Everybody wants to have an and financial independence — but not everyone wants to suffer through 65-hour work weeks, long commutes, obnoxious paperwork, to navigate arbitrary corporate hierarchies and the blasé confines of an infinite cubicle hell. People want to be rich without, without the sacrifice, without the delayed gratification.
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Everybody wants to have great sex and an — but not everyone is willing to go through the tough conversations, the awkward silences, the hurt feelings and the emotional psychodrama to get there. And so they settle. They settle and wonder “What if? ” for years and years until the question morphs from “What if? ” into “Was that it?
” And when the lawyers go home and the alimony check is in the mail they say, “What was that for? ” if not for their lowered standards and expectations 75 years prior, then what for? Because. The positive is the side effect of handling the negative. You can only avoid negative experiences for so long before they come roaring back to life.
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At the core of all human behavior, our needs are more or less similar. Positive experience is easy to handle. It’s negative experience that we all, by definition, struggle with. Therefore, what we get out of life is not determined by the good feelings we desire but by what bad feelings we’re to get us to those good feelings. People want an amazing physique.
But you don’t end up with one unless you legitimately appreciate the pain and physical stress that comes with living inside a gym for hour upon hour, unless you love calculating and calibrating, planning your life out in tiny plate-sized portions. People want to or become financially independent. But you don’t end up a successful entrepreneur unless you find a way to appreciate the risk, the uncertainty, the repeated failures, and working insane hours on something you have no idea whether will be successful or not. People want a partner, a spouse. But you don’t end up attracting without appreciating the emotional turbulence that comes with weathering rejections, building the sexual tension that never gets released, and staring blankly at a phone that never rings.
It’s part of the game of love. You can’t win if you don’t play. What determines your success isn’t “What do you want to enjoy? ” The question is, “What pain do you want to sustain? ” The quality of your life is not determined by the quality of your positive experiences but the quality of your negative experiences.
And to get good at dealing with negative experiences is to get good at dealing with life. There’s a lot of out there that says, “You’ve just got to want it enough!