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Like many straight women, I m finding myself absolutely overwhelmed with messages … and, like many, I delete most of them without replying. But I m also an avid AAM reader, and would certainly not do such a thing at work. As a hiring manager, I always make sure we send a reply to every applicant. So is it different? It feels different, because it feels more like I m rejecting a person, well, personally, rather than saying they aren t the right fit or we had more qualified applicants. I also think I would get more pushback of the kind hiring managers sometimes get when we reject an applicant. If it is different, why? And if it isn t, and I should be replying to every message I get with a thanks for your interest, but X, what should X be?

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I m interested in what you think as well as what commenters think. Hopefully I m not the only one to find this question fascinating! I do indeed think the etiquette for rejection in different in these two situations: It s much more acceptable not to reply to messages from would-be suitors on online dating sites than it is for employers not to reply to job applicants. Part of it is just a difference in conventions — the professional conventions for hiring are different than the conventions for online dating. Employers are expected to close the loop when someone sends them business correspondence, which is what a job application is. With online dating, there’s more of a cultural norm (among most people, at least) that if you’re not interested, there’s no need to respond to say that it’s okay to just delete the message. Part of it, too, is that there’s more of an understanding (or at least there’s supposed to be) that hiring and applying for jobs is, well, business not personal. As a result, everyone involved is expected to handle rejection reasonably professionally. (Not that they always do, of course, but there’s more of an expectation of it. )But a really big part of it is the reality that most women doing online dating quickly learn that if they send polite rejections to men who contact them, they’ll receive an enormous number of hostile and even abusive responses. And you can’t always tell who those are going to come from! You might think it would be more likely with the dudes whose initial messages are already a little sketchy, but it’s not uncommon to also receive abusive responses to rejection from the guy whose first message was polite, unassuming and/or charming. Given that, it’s just the smarter option for women who don’t want to field a bunch of hostile and insulting messages not to respond to people to say “thanks but I don’t think we’re the right match. ”Now, it’s certainly true that some job applicants also respond to rejection with hostility, but (a) they’re far less numerous than in online dating, (b) the intensity of the hostility seems to be lower, and (c) it’s part of the job in that situation to deal with the occasional whacked out response to rejection. My philosophy was that if someone took the time to write a nice, thoughtful, personalized message, I would respond either way. Even if I wasn t interested. But if it was a cut/paste job, crude, didn t show they d actually read my profile, or otherwise low-effort, I didn t reply.

Even if I wasn’t interested. But if it was a cut/paste job, crude, didn’t show they’d actually read my profile, or otherwise low-effort, I didn’t reply. Which is the equivalent of the multitude of hey s that you get in online dating. Yes, I was thinking the same thing. I think the etiquette is mainly about showing people the courtesy that someone showed you. If a job applicant takes the time to apply and send their materials, that deserves a polite response. , or if they obviously didn t pay attention to the job posting at all, I don t think the company owes them more than the bare minimum in response. I generally try to respond to online dating messages that make an effort. If it s just a message saying Hey or if, say, they message me on OkCupid even though we have a 9% compatibility rating and our values are diametrically opposed in every way, I don t feel obligated to respond. Yeah, if I was hiring for, say, a college biology professor and I got a resume from a 75-year-old whose only job was cashier at 7-66, I wouldn t feel obligated to reply to that guy. Or girl. It s the same with people who don t bother to glance at your dating profile and don t meet your requirements. I m on a non-dating site looking for local friends, and I get a number of messages about my beautiful smile. I m not smiling in my photo. If you don t even care enough to actually LOOK at me, I don t owe you a response. I get a lot of blind recruiter contacts that I know didn t bother reading my resume or job profile, but I think the best was a LinkedIn recruiter that *came so close*. She d read part of my profile and got that I was in a masters program, but she got the degree wrong. I wanted to respond with I give you a 6/65 for effort, but you still flunked that one, into the spam pile!

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It s like hitting me up for a date. If you re interested in me for a job, read my profile and match it, don t look for buzz words and then slap it into a form letter and hope it sticks. What is the site for finding local friends? I would like to find more mom friends in my neighborhood. Meetup. Com is the spot for finding others that share your interest/demographic. I. E. Similar aged (self kids), unique diets, foreign language, recreation, religion politics you name it. I m on Meetup and MeetMe. I would not recommend the latter, it s mostly scammers. Meetup is generally fine, though. I tried Friendable but it was really terrible and non-intuitive. I ve heard mixed things about NextDoor, which is confined to your neighborhood so at least you won t get duded in Malaysia messaging you. Probably. Meetup is how I found my Doctor Who group. We re on Facebook now, though, and recruit nerds at local things. Came to say this!

No matter how thoughtful and personalized the message, it was certainly not the equivalent of the time and dedication put into a well-done cover letter and resume. I think especially in dating, many women feel obligated to give men their time and attention even when it isn t warranted. And many men seem to feel they are entitled to as much time and attention from women as they want, regardless of their behavior. However, back when I was online dating, I would sometimes feel it appropriate to respond to messages that were more or less polite just to let them know thank you (like if they had complimented me) but that I wasn t interested and then I would get some nasty, angry response. After that, unless I was genuinely interested in having a conversation with someone, I wouldn t bother even responding, no matter how thoughtful the message. I got the impression that lots of these men preferred to be ignored rather than be told no thanks, at least based on how I was treated. Yep, learned rather quickly that saying online hey, I don t think we re a good match or I m not interested because X very rarely resulted in oh ok, thanks for letting me know! But instead, lots of insults, name calling, or even better, the repeated harassing phone calls and texts. Yes. I d say you re not even really in a conversation with someone if you ve only sent them one brief message. And you re not obligated to have a conversation with everyone and anyone who wants your time. It s also not rude to say NOTHING and to keep on walking. That is actually what I, a seasoned NYCer, do. I enjoyed it for about 65 minutes, then it just made me sad and ragey. : (I m sorry! I think you re right that it should only be administered in small, manageable doses: (Oh don t apologize.

It was amusing at first and I laughed and giggled at it then got so depressed over it, because it reminded me of how terrible the internet is! I m a jaded old dino of 75+ years of internet garbage at this point, I shouldn t be shocked, but sometimes I still am. Most applicants put a lot of time into looking over job requirements, writing a cover letter, filling out the required online fields in the employment portal, etc. Even fast applicants usually spend an hour minimum per application. Any message that included specific info from my profile, or made it clear they had put the time in that deserves a reply, even if there isn t mutual interest. Thank you for recognizing that even fast applicants spend at least an hour per application. People often say it couldn t hurt to apply but when it takes an hour or two of very limited time, it can so hurt! I felt the same way. If someone takes the time to read your profile and craft a thoughtful message, it is a nice courtesy to respond and just feels respectful? My typical response if I wasn t interested was Thank you for the nice message, but I don t think we would be compatible because ______. Good luck in your search! 95% of of the time, that blank was filled with, you want children and I do not. I recognize that s an easy way to weed out people that doesn t apply to most, but there is probably something in their profile anyone could allude to. I had it very clearly outlined in my profile that I didn t want children (nor would I date someone with kids) and some guy contacted me, and he had *clearly* read my profile, and went out of his way to pretty much state that I would love his toddler daughter. He was nice enough initially, that I responded back and said that I was flattered and all, but we weren t a good match and he went totally off on me about how if you loved someone, you d make sacrifices for them, etc. I was just buh? No. Go away.

Apparently he d latched on that I was his soul mate despite some *glaring* differences in our profiles and my rejection totally destroyed his faith in online dating. Amazing to open with when you love someone when you have never met or had a conversation before.

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