There s an obsession with the concept of value and status when you re dealing with men s dating advice. The idea is that, when you boil everything down, women are attracted to high-value, high-status men therefore, men who want to be more successful with women should be as high-value as possible. The problem is that they re wrong about what a high-status man is. Don t get me wrong: having social status and value is definitely attractive. It s just that we so often go about mistaking status for other things. For example: the first common mistake is in how value gets defined.
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Value and status are often erroneously distilled into a single attribute. The most common definitions of high-value or high-status men is in the measure of their material wealth. In my own life I ve known many men of privilege ranging from comfortably well-to-do to richer than God who had the same troubles with women that I did. Money by itself clearly didn t buy love for them it didn t even give them that much of an advantage at the negotiating table. What about power? This one. Not the one with the hair and the codpiece. And to be fair, people are attracted to power. But at the same time, Kissinger was also a political animal who thrived in a world of influence-peddling and this is not an arena where the socially awkward get ahead. One doesn t get to be the secretary of state to two presidents without having an ability to charm others and after all, a man who was able to negotiate détente with Russia isn t going to be flummoxed by a pretty lady. What about fame? It certainly helps Kevin Bacon once mentioned that any idiot can get laid if they were famous. But it s clearly not the end-all, be-all after all, Ray-J isn t exactly the last of the Red Hot Lovers despite having been propelled to momentary stardom by association with Kim Kardashian. Does a socially desirable job make one higher status? I ve known plenty of lawyers, doctors, actors, musicians and DJs who have all had miserable dating lives. What about athletes everybody remembers how popular the jocks were in high-school and college after all?
The short answer is that they have value and status of a sort. But not quite in the way that you think. You see, the second mistake is to assume that value and status are universal that certain things are always going to be respected more highly across the board, regardless of when and where they occur. The scene girl isn t going to flock to a lawyer in an Armani suit, not when Jimmy Urine from Mindless Self Indulgence is around. During my time on the comic-con circuit, I often found myself seated next to the porn stars in artist s alley While they were always willing to interact and pose with the men who came by, they kept a professional detachment, even when the men were startlingly good looking. However, they would literally fall all over themselves to flirt with George Perez. So yes, the jocks in high-school do have value within the context of high-school. And even then, it s only in people who value high-school sports. So in West Texas, the football player may be a god among men, but if you drop him in the middle of Manhattan well, he s just another guy. So if having value and status makes you more attractive, then clearly the best thing you can do is convince others you have it. One of the common complaints I d heard during my time on the Austin dating scene was that every guy was telling women that either he was a photographer (the better to invite them back to his studio for ahem art photos) or in a band. In Dallas, every guy claimed to be a DJ and in Houston, everyone was in oil. In New York, every guy s a Wall Street hustler, in DC they re a consultant and in LA everyone s an actor or a producer. It s not uncommon for guys to try to enhance their resume a little in the name of impressing women they drop an extra hundred for the Hermés belt (with the big H buckle of course- what good is it if they don t know it s Hermés? ) to look richer or promote themselves from a grunt in Accounts-Receivable to a major player in Acquisitions. They ll puff up their vacations from a weekend in Corpus Christi to a week in South Beach, name drop when they think they can get away with it and basically lie through their teeth in order to appear cooler than they are.
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A lot of classic PUA techniques are all about faking status and conveying that you re actually high-value through behavior and appearing to be less-invested in the interaction all while desperately wanting to get into her pants. Negging, for example, is intended to convey to a beautiful woman (who is by PUA definitions a high-status target) that you have higher social status than she does by being willing to covertly insult her after all, most guys are going to be so intimidated by her beauty (and perceived social status) that they d never dream of giving a left-handed compliment like nice nails are they real? By conveying their higher status and bringing her down a peg the woman is then theoretically supposed to become more attracted and actively seek your approval. Similarly, many of the from PUA culture especially classics like the C s vs. These pre-packaged conversations are designed to make the individual using them seem more interesting and higher-status and help them convey sexual interest without seeming too interested after all, being too invested in getting her home is a sign of low-status and thus unattractive. The problem is that you can t fake value. You can baffle people with your bullshit for only so long before they start to notice the cracks in the facade you may be talking about your model ex-girlfriend but women will start noticing that you can t look them in the eye for very long, that your body language starts to change as soon as you re distracted and that you re more nervous around them then someone of your supposed status would be. Moreover, women are used to guys lying about themselves ask any woman about about men lying about their height or physique in. Anyone who has spent any time in the dating scene is going to be used to guys embellishing themselves in order to look better and are quite good at spotting incongruities. Value is inherent if you don t have it, you re going to give yourself away in hundreds of little tells and no amount of magic bullets or verbal trickery is going to make up for that lack. The more you have to tell others about how high-status you are, the less you actually have. So after all of that talk of what status isn t, let s talk about what it is. Put simply: value and status is about what you bring to the table. Money can help people do value wealth after all. But having money in and of itself isn t status or value and the people who are attracted to it tend to only be interested in the money, not the person.
Fame brings people looking for a little reflected glory look at all of the would-be starlets of both genders who ve tried to make a name for themselves by talking about how they fucked Kanye or Kim Kardashian or Pauly D. Geraldine Edwards, one of the original groupies and the inspiration for Penny Lane in Almost Famous, wanted to be considered a muse she was sleeping with musicians because she wanted to be a part of the creative process, not because of the musicians themselves. Real status and value come from how you act and how you make others feel. Someone who helps other people feel good, who is to talk to and who can has value and status people will want to spend time with him. Can you inspire respect in other people, not through your material goods or being famous but through what you have to offer as a person? That s status. Can you connect with people on an emotional level and make them feel as though you understand them better than anyone else does? Then you have higher social value than someone who is only able to meet someone on the surface, who is all glitz with no depth or substance. This is why the unemployed musician -the one with ambition and drive, who s scrambling for every gig he can get and constantly pushing the limits of his talent is more appealing to women than the shallow stockbroker with the Audi coupe who s sucking up to his bosses as he tries to climb the corporate ladder. That musician brings more to everyone he meets his belief, his drive and willingness to persevere are of higher value than the ability to kiss ass and fellate egos. This is why millionaires can be as awkward as a pauper and struggle to meet women even as he insists he s better than the hoi polloi. You can be a high-value man even when you re working a lousy job. You can show that you have value without having to pretend to be someone you re not. Being high status isn t in what you do or what you have, it s in who you are. Enjoy my work? Want to help support the site?
Consider becoming a patron! Well said, Doc. I have met a handful of men who live up to the archetypal PUA/MRA/ etc ad nausiem Apha Male standard and they were boring as hell. Not to mention sad, lonely, bitter individuals who s entire concept of self worth hung on being better than everyone else. Yeah, they got laid, but nothing ever lasted. (also, at least two of them were doing prodigious amounts of drugs, which is never attractive). Self-belief is sexy. People who understand their own worth are magnetic. They re often also genuinely nice people, because they don t *need* to be putting other people down to boost themselves up. Glad you asked because I wondered too. And what is C vs. U and if I Google either Red Pill or CvU will it make me love or despair of humanity? The Red Pill community is an MRA offshoot you can find em on Reddit if you re curious. Cs vs. Us is a popular Mystery Method routine that s about the shape of a person s jaw and teeth. Interesting.
The C vs U thing is very culture specific, isn t it?