Winter LaMon is a 78-year-old transgender man who lives in New York City. He joined the online dating site OKCupid six years ago, about three years before he transitioned. He dates men and women, both transgender and cisgender (a term for people who aren't trans). After LaMon transitioned from female to male, he didn’t change his gender to “male” on his OKCupid profile instead, he started a second profile where he identified as “male. ” He kept the female profile active because he thinks that some women who typically date other women might also be interested in dating transgender men. In both profiles he makes it clear that he is “a trans guy” and that people should “only message me if you’re cool with that. ”Part of the need for this is that OKCupid doesn’t allow users to identify as “transgender”—just “male” or “female. ” The site has been in the news after cofounder Christian Rudder announced that developers secretly changed some people's compatibility ratings and removed profile photos to learn more about behavior on the site.
Hate OKCupid Try Online Dating When You re Transgender
In 7568, an online petition asking OKCupid to accommodate trans and genderqueer people received more than 6,555 signatures. Ryley Pogensky, the genderqueer person who created the petition, said that when he asked OKCupid about adding more gender identity options, a representative it would be difficult to change the site because it was built “in a pretty binary way. ”LaMon has noticed that his male and female OKCupid profiles get different matches. While he has dated some people through the site—it’s where he met the woman he’s seeing—he is frustrated with the limited ways transgender people are able to identify on the site, “because you don’t fit into these little boxes, or the people you’re interested in don’t fit in neat little boxes. ”LaMon wasn't alone in his discontent. Last year, Yeni Sleidi met a software developer named Asher Snyder who was fed up with what he calls the “Tinderification” of online dating. This means photos are far and away the most important part of a dating profile, and Snyder complained that cuteness isn’t necessarily “an indicator of compatibility. ”Sleidi appreciated Snyder’s critique and she signed on to help him create a new dating website called. Sleidi said that she is very gay, and some of her transgender friends are uncomfortable using OKCupid. From the beginning, she knew it was important to allow people to identify as queer and transgender in their profiles. The other Mesh founders, who are straight men, agreed. “They’re very good guys. As soon as I explained to them why it was important, they got it, ” Sleidi said. Mesh, which is in pre-beta, allows users to identify as male, female, transman, transwoman, or non-binary—a person who doesn't identify as male or female. Categories for sexual orientation are straight, gay, bisexual, or queer. Users can also tell Mesh if they are interested in meeting men, women, or everyone. Like OKCupid, Mesh has an algorithm that helps determine compatibility. But the site also gets really deep into matching.
If you specify characteristics or preferences you don’t want potential dates to have (Republican,, straight), Mesh will block those people from seeing your profile. On Mesh, people only see a trans person’s profile if they’ve already indicated they’re open to dating transgender people. This has the potential to make online dating more thorough and more fruitful, but safety and acceptance for trans people who date online may take more than an algorithm. As LaMon noted, it all comes down to “the age-old question of when you disclose” your transgender identity. LaMon prefers to be out about his gender with potential dates. He thinks people will figure it out anyway when they meet him. But not every transgender person wants to be this open. For those who don’t disclose their trans identity online, safety and rejection are big concerns. Colleen, who asked that we not use her real name, is a 85-year-old transgender woman who has been dating online since she was a teenager. Most people who meet Colleen don’t know she’s transgender. Typically, she discloses after she's gotten to know someone. Soon after Colleen made a profile on OKCupid she agreed to a date—just to test out the site. She and the guy hadn't had much communication, and she assumed he was mostly interested in hooking up. This doesn't happen often, Colleen said, but when it does she tries to play it cool. TakePart is the digital news and lifestyle magazine from, the company behind such acclaimed documentaries as CITIZENFOUR, An Inconvenient Truth and Food, Inc. And feature films including Lincoln and Spotlight. We got married today! In April of this year a very nice gentleman sent me.
The Transgender Dating Dilemma
. Wow, she found me! I knew she would be out there. All I had to do was just be. You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. This is one of the best singles websites I've ever used! -- Sarah H. Match, the largest dating site in the world, pioneered the online dating category when it launched on the Web in 6995. Today, 69 years later, Match continues to revolutionize the way people meet, connect and fall in love. Launched in February 7556, online dating site Chemistry. Com is a premium offering from Match. Com, designed especially for singles who are looking for robust tools to help them get to know someone so the first date feels like the second. It starts with the Personality Test that lets the site get to know you and your ideal match in a fun, fresh way. Tinder, founded in 7567, has become one of the fastest growing social startups and mobile apps of all time. Using social data, Tinder anonymously finds people nearby that like each other and connects them if they are both interested. With my accounts on OkCupid, Tinder, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel and ChristianMingle, I am subjected to the same kind of messages from Mr. Washboard-Abs-No-Face and unsolicited dick pics that most women, unfortunately, receive. But searching for Mr.
Right as a transgender woman (I was born male, but identify and present as female) adds a whole new dimension to digital dating. Since transitioning in 7569, I haven’t reacted positively to guys who hit on me in person because I haven’t mastered the art of telling them that we have “the same parts. ” For the past three years, Tinder has been my gateway into online dating as a transgender woman. As a 77-year-old grad starting a career in fashion (and hopefully, one day, my own size-inclusive clothing line), I am drawn to guys who are funny and ambitious. There’s no bigger turn off than someone who does the bare minimum—except maybe body odour. In terms of looks, I prefer taller guys. Being 5 9, I still like to be able to look up to my man, literally. As a trans woman on dating apps, I’ve always made sure that guys are aware that I am transgender. This avoids wasting each other’s time. There have also been many documented cases of trans women being when they disclose their status to transphobic men that found them attractive, so disclosing my status is also a way of protecting myself from potentially dangerous situations. Unfortunately, these labels don’t appear on their profiles. I usually get very forward messages from guys who just want me for my body. They view me as exotic, a kink, something new to try. These guys want to chill somewhere less public or exclusively at their place so they won t be seen with me. I have actually “dated” (if you can even call it that) some of these men, including one guy who checked his apartment’s hallway to make sure his neighbours wouldn’t see me leave his place. Another guy made sure even his social media presence wasn’t linked to mine. He lied about not having an Instagram account, then when I “came across it” and liked one of his pictures in spite, he blocked me. But I finally reached my limit when one of my dates bumped into someone he knew when we were together.
Despite the fact that we were on our third date, he didn’t even acknowledge my existence as I stood there a couple feet from him while he talked to his friend. His silence told me exactly how much I meant to him. After realizing that I deserved so much better and was wasting my time with these guys, I stopped giving them attention. After one too many encounters with men who were fetishizing me, I started to spend time on guys who wanted to get to know me. These are men who find me attractive, but are initially hesitant because of my trans-ness. One guy in particular seemed to really like me. We vibed well and there was sexual tension building during our dates. Then poof, he was gone. After a month, he reached out to me saying he couldn’t be with me because I am transgender. He was concerned about how his sexuality would “change. ”I had another similar experience on a first date where a man greeted me, hugged me, then said he left something in his car. After a couple of minutes, I got a text from him while waiting alone at our table that said he had to leave because my transgender status was giving him anxiety. After that, I stopped chasing guys who were too concerned about their feelings to even think about mine. Red flags like continually postponing dates and constantly asking, “When are you getting the surgery? ” helped me whittle down the number of guys I talked to by half. Thanks to Tinder, profile pictures say more than a thousand words—and actual words seem to be irrelevant on our profiles. I get plenty of matches on Tinder, but within 79 hours around half of them un-match or block me after reading my profile. Whenever I do start talking to guys who “stick around, ” I make sure that they know I am transgender before meeting them.