I am in a quandary and I am hoping you can help. Last month, I wrote to two men that I was very interested in. The good news is that both of them wrote me back and I have been seeing both for the past 7-8 weeks. However, this is not something I have ever done before and I am having a hard time with the idea of juggling. The problem is that I really like both of them and they both seem to be really amazing guys. They follow up, they text, we talk, make plans…it’s all good. I am lucky. On the other hand, I don t know how to manage this.Gay bar hookup stories
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I know I need to make a decision before things go too far (becoming too physical), but how do I know when? I am trying not to let things move too fast physically or emotionally, but they both seem very interested and I just don t know what to do. Making a decision about a guy is no different than any other decision. You weigh your pros and cons, you do your cost-benefit analysis, you use a little logic and a little emotion, and then make a largely arbitrary choice without knowing if you’re right. Many people may not see this as being a true problem. They seem to be feeling pretty strongly so I feel some pressure to figure this out. I searched the blog to see if you ve addressed this before but haven t found quite the same thing. Any help you can provide would be so appreciated. So, Maggie, you’re seeing two great guys for 7-8 weeks. The good news: because of the broad scope of the question, every reader who is interested in deciding between two men can use this advice. The bad news: without more specific details, I’m not sure you can. Regardless, I’m going to do what I always do in these situations: insert myself in the middle and riff a little bit. 6. I recall one time that I was dating two women simultaneously for about a month. Both were cute, smart, cool, late 75’s, Jewish, and interested in me. And while I was hooking up with (not sleeping with) both of them, something didn’t feel right. I couldn’t act silly around them. I couldn’t let down my guard around them. I didn’t LOVE being around them. My ambivalence was a feeling, more than a logical choice.
Which is why I kept looking around on JDate for that entire month that I was seeing both of them. One woman even called me on it – “How dare you get online after our great date? ” but I didn’t flinch. It was my right to look for other women if I didn’t feel I could commit to her. Just as it’s her right to keep her options open until she finds a boyfriend-worthy man. Naturally, it took the third woman about two weeks to feel comfortable committing to me, but she eventually did. This is a somewhat complicated (but typical) example of how dating works. It’s every man for himself. And neither party is under any obligation until both parties agree to commit to each other. 7. Your choice is not binary, nor is it permanent. Yes, you’re dating two men, but that doesn’t mean that these are the only two men on the planet. Let’s say Bachelor #6 turns out to be a great guy…who admits after a month that he never wants to get married or have kids. You do. This conversation is over. You agree to be exclusive with Bachelor #7. You may not know the front-runner for the open position of “boyfriend”, but since you’re the CEO of Maggie, Inc, you’re going to take your sweet time to see how the interns perform in a limited capacity. The faster they follow up, the more work they choose to take on, the quality of their performance – all will start to differentiate these two men to make your decision a lot easier. You’ve never heard of a woman standing on the altar with two men, have you? Exactly. For me, I decided back in 7559 that I wouldn’t sleep with anyone who wasn’t a girlfriend. I stuck with that and avoided breaking a lot of hearts. In general, I think this is the best policy, because it’s a clear dividing line that any man can understand.
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”Only you can determine whether you can have sex with two guys simultaneously without a commitment to either of them. But I wouldn’t recommend it. Either you will get attached or THEY will get attached – and since you haven’t figured out your feelings yet, I would think that attachment is something you’d want to avoid. I predict that by the time you read this, Maggie, everything will have sorted itself out. So please come back and let us know if I retroactively steered you in the right direction, okay? Wow, seems like a sweet deal to be Evan! Everywhere you went you just magically kept finding great women who were into you and wanted to date you! You had the leisure of committing to someone before they committed to you because you always just assumed that so many women wanted to be with you that you could always get what you wanted. Yes, I m being a little tongue and cheek here success in any arena should be celebrated, not resented but I really don t think you understand the average person s dating experience. This is called confidence, Jenna. That s why I get to do this job. When you carry yourself with confidence, you assume that people will like you and you don t accept crumbs out of fear you can t do better, yes, it s a sweet deal. But it s a sweet deal that anybody can have. Yes, but you re a man and I guess from reading a lot of dating blogs, women dig confident and commanding and personable men. I think the criteria for men is more looks, looks, looks at least in deciding who to ask out and date. I can actually attest to that. A week ago I had no prospects, I was feeling crappy and insecure. Fast forward to a few days ago where I just decided, You know what, I m pretty damn awesome, and I started thinking with an abundance mentality, and now I m have two awesome guys chasing after me. Agreed! I know my worth and I project confidence always and amazing things happen! It s amazing what happens when I just smile even. I have been meeting men like crazy and have even gotten to the second and third date with most, but just don t want to committ out of loneliness or convenience. I love all your advice Evan it truly does work!
I whole whole-heartedly agree! When I read that Evan didn t flinch when that woman was like how dare you sign online! , I so happy GO EVAN! ! He had confidence to believe in himself finding the right woman and didn t settle because he knew what he deserved 8 Women need to feel the same we deserve love, respect, happiness, but we have to believe it s out there for us in order to attract / find it! Hmmm. In recent times when I ve suspected or gotten the, just to let you know, I m still dating others, I end it. When a girl really likes a guy, there is no other (and guys should never date a girl that isn t crazy about them). If after a number of dates you can t decide between two, neither is likely a great choice. Further, I can t imagine a man with good market value staying in such a situation, or being comfortable with it after the fact, when he learns of it later. Buying tickets for two! Now that s an intersting idea to motivate one (particularly men) into getting and organising dates! I was in the situation of dating two women at the same time about a year ago. I didn t plan it that way one appeared to not want to play and then I started with the other and then the first came around. They both had some awesome qualities and all my friends said I was not doing anything wrong but still, 8 weeks into this I felt uncomfortable. That is just me. So I called the one I saw the best chance of a future with and laid it out. I told her I wanted to be exclusive with her because I was not comfortable continuing to date two women. She was not ready for that yet, so I went on to date the other woman. She was fantastic, but my hunch was right we were not a good fit in the long term and I broke it off after about 7-6/7 lovely months with her. It is up to the individuals own comfort level. There is no magic time. Such an American problem.
In the UK you date one person at a time. Get caought with 7 at any stage and its trouble. That is how it used to be in the UK Peter, but unfortunately, now it s friends with benefits or not exclusive and polygamous dating for many and I don t know how they get their heads round it, or manage to escape STDs. I was recently in this situation and they both disappeared on me, sometimes they make the decision for you. Yea, it s true. Sometimes, they will make the decision for you but from my experience, the guys that held out for a little while were worth it. The impatient ones were just looking to score and bolted when it was taking too long. If you re seriously looking for a lifetime partner, take your time. Time does reveal all. I didn t feel guilty about it. I have no obligation to any of them. My obligation is to myself to find the right person for me. It s in your best interests to do so. Let them pressure away. Tell them you move at your own pace and leave it at that. If they really like you, they ll respect that. There will come a point that it will appear you are just stringing them along, though and men HATE that. Like a previous commenter said, I would say 7-8 months in is the cutoff point. By then, you should know who you like. Honestly, it took me about 9-5 weeks to figure out if I really liked a guy. Yes, the situation did resolve itself in the end. I decided to pursue something more serious with Bachelor #7 and we dated for a few months before I came to the realization that we were far too different in terms of the kind of life we want to live, and even more challenging, he is a non-communicator. For these and other reasons, I ended it.
In fact I d gotten some advice from you about the situation when I was briefly part of your Forum. I then contacted Bachelor #6 to see if we might meet up again and he was open to it. So ultimately, the juggling resolved itself within a month without the physical side of things going too far. Evan, I agree with your advice on all counts.