Psychology Today Health Help Happiness Find a Therapist


Let me paint a common story for you: It s been a while since you ve started trying to get better at dating and it seems like you re no further along than you have been before. If anything, you re actually getting worse. The more posts you read, the more approaches you make none of it seems to be working. You ve plateaued. You ve. You re not getting any responses from your. You re getting nowhere meeting people in person.

Effective Persuasion Strategies in Romantic Relationships

The longer this goes on, the more you re becoming convinced more than ever that this whole dating/sex/talking to other people thing is something that  other people do and you d be better off weighing the pros and cons of a monastic life of quiet desperation and a poetic death via alcoholism interspersed with self-pitying and slightly arch animated gif parades on Tumblr. As far as I could tell, I was doing everything right, so why the hell was I fucking up every. God. Damn. TIME? ? Well, as it turns out, it wasn t a case of my technique being bad or women being bitches or any number of other things I told myself to explain my failures away. I was sabotaging myself in a number of ways that I didn t even realize and until I took the time to recognize this and actually address these issues, I was  never going to get better. Over the years I ve seen these issues crop up again and again I ve seen them in friends, in the letters I ve gotten as Dr. NerdLove, even in myself in different aspects of my daily life. The things that hold us back in dating almost always systematically bleed into the other parts of our lives as well and it s only when we can be honest with ourselves, confront and address these issues that we can manage to move forward and start making the progress we  know we can achieve. An attitude of This sucks, this will never work, I ll never_______, only _____ people get to do _____, only guarantees that you are indeed correct it won t ever work, nor will you ever do whatever it is that you ve been hoping. They re self-limiting beliefs beliefs that you allow to take over your life and restrict you from achieving what you hope to achieve. Your attitude  literally limits you because you  make it come true. When you tell yourself that you will never ________ because only X guys do _______ and you re not X, you re artificially cutting yourself off from any and all possibilities.

If, for example, you believe that only alpha for a suitably mistaken definition of alpha men get women, then that will be part of your reality. Not because it s  true but because that s what you believe   everywhere you go, you will find continuous proof that this is true. Nothing but miles and miles of assholes with the women you want as far as the eye can see Or so you think. Your negative belief is causing you to fall victim to a common fallacy  known as confirmation bias the tendency to  only notice or pay heed to that which confirms your pre-existing belief. If you believe no woman could possibly find you attractive, you will elide over all evidence to the contrary women flirting with you, giving you the come-hither stare or even just smiling at you and focus like a laser on every incidence of negativity. You will see every interaction in the worst possible light: she doesn t like me, she s clearly repulsed by me, she s only being polite, I m misreading the signals This apparently unending stream of reinforcement will only serves to perpetuate a vicious cycle your self-limiting beliefs cause you to overlook evidence to the contrary, thus reinforcing the belief which, in turn, continues to make it impossible to see the truth. Your negative attitude will seep into  everything you do it will affect your attitude, your self-image, even your posture all of which will serve to work against you. Breaking negativity can be difficult it takes time and effort to willfully decide to take a positive attitude and belief and stick to it. But the fun thing about confirmation bias? It works both ways. Believing in yourself that you re attractive, that you have a lot to offer others, that you can and will  succeed can actually  help you. Just ask yourself: would you rather a world where everything confirms your worst fears or your fondest fantasies? There s a reason why just be yourself is one of the most annoyingly useless advice cliches out there.

Online Social Psychology Studies

After all, it s likely that being yourself hasn t exactly gotten you to where you want to be. When we look at people who have something we want whether it be material success, a skill or talent or even just a hot girlfriend it s only natural to try to be more like them. Whatever they ve got going for them worked for them why shouldn t it work for you? And after all, whatever you ve been doing hasn t exactly been working out for you so far. The problem with this approach is that, frankly, that s not who you are. Nowhere was this more apparent than in the early days of the Pick Up community, when people assumed that one of the secrets of success with meeting women is to peacock that is, dress up in exotic or even outlandish ways in order to get attention. Suddenly, you couldn t swing a dead cat in a bar without hitting someone trying to rock a fuzzy top-hat and black nail polish or a shiny silk jacket, spiky earrings and New Rock boots. The problem of course is that while Mystery was able to get away with dressing like a Hot Topic jumped him in a dark alley, he s a professional magician dressing weird comes with the territory. Everybody else was hoping that their outfits were going to do most of the heavy lifting for them and generally looked like idiots. Similarly, it s inadvisable for an to try to force themselves to act like an extrovert, especially in the dating scene. It s they re quite literally pretending to be someone they re not in hopes of better results. Not only will others feel the unnaturalness of their pose, but the stress and strain of keeping up the act only serves to wear them down faster, leaving them drained and upset and not any closer to finding a date. Not everybody is built to be a club-hopping player and yet that s what PUA culture directs men towards. Not everybody is cut out for traditional monogamy, for polyamory, for kink, for vanilla sex but that doesn t stop them from trying to force themselves into the model because they  think that s what they  should be. Using someone as a role-model is a good idea and one.

However, too often we tend to try to model ourselves after what we  think we  should be like, which is often at 685 degrees from who we really  are. Trying to fit into a personality type that s so diametrically opposed from our real self is like trying to force yourself into shoes that don t fit you re uncomfortable at best and the potential benefits are vastly outweighed by downsides. When you re trying to build the life you ve always dreamed of, you need to do so in a way that s harmonious with who you  are at your core. You need to find the path that works for you, not for who you think you re should be. There s nothing less appealing to a potential partner than feeling as though that they re nothing more than a warm hole or body that s filling a slot marked girlfriend. The metaphorical scent of desperation is the antithesis of attraction  much like negativity, it suffuses  everything about you, from the way you speak to the way you act. It s an ugly and unappealing. It screams of low self-esteem and equally low regard for the person on the receiving end of their attentions. After all, when you re coming off as desperate, you re telling the everyone around you that you don t care for them as a person so much as what they represent: a featureless mannikin dressed up in entitlement and frustrated desire. It can be tempting to rationalize this away: after all, why wouldn t someone take being desired as a compliment? But then: when you say anyone will do, you re saying that you don t give a damn about the individual. They could be swapped out for the nearest stranger.

Nobody likes feeling like an interchangeable, anonymous cog, easily replaceable and ultimately unmemorable. On a practical level, desperation hurts you in a multitude of ways. You re less likely to meet someone you would  actually  find success with as you blunder through looking for the first person to say   yes. Even worse, your odds of turning a potential yes into a  definite no skyrocket by pushing too far, too fast. Your desperation will cut you off from potential partners the ones who  would consider you will be turned off when they realize that any warm body will do and still more will assume that there must be a reason why you ve been refused so often. Think of it as an exercise in zen: only in being desireless can our desires be fulfilled. By being outcome independent taking the focus off of finding sex you are better able to relate to a potential partner as an  individual rather than a walking, talking masturbation sleeve. You will be able to be in the moment and to appreciate women for who they  are rather than what they represent. Your body language won t tell her that you re seeing validation through sex or that you re measuring your self-worth whether or not you have a girlfriend. There will always be those who will say that they want to improve but they ll argue with every single suggestion or piece of advice they re given. There s always a reason why they already know that this, that or the other thing simply won t work and that their initial belief is right. To which my usual response is how s that working out for you? This tends to be classic ego-protecting behavior we value being proven correct and thus, sheltering our egos from the admission that perhaps we were wrong even over getting what we supposedly want. Yes, we.

I used to be a classic example of this sticking point.

Recent Posts