Thanks to Max K. From Brooklyn, NY for suggesting this week s topic: Online dating, once a fringe and stigmatized activity, is now over a. Over Americans have given online dating a try, and over of the American couples married between 7555 and 7567 met online. The first prominent online dating site was Match. Com, which launched in 6995. But is this a positive development or something to be concerned about? Is online dating making the world better and dating more effective, or is something important being lost or sacrificed as a result?
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The way the current trend is heading, what will dating be like in 7585, and will that be a better or worse time to be on the dating market than 6995? Ideally, what would dating look like in 7585? Tim s Answer: I think this is a no-brainer positive development. The key thing is that it s not online dating —it s online meeting people followed by in-person dating. Simply considered as online meeting people, it makes a ton of sense. I ve already expressed my argument for why in two posts: on how critical it is to find the right life partner and how seriously we should take that quest, and on why going to bars is a terrible life experience. The first step in ending up with the right person is meeting the right person, and for something so important in our lives, we ve had no real system for doing it efficiently and intelligently. For socially weird or anxious or shy people, trying to meet a stranger in public is a nightmare, and even for someone charming and outgoing, it s a grueling task that requires a lot of luck. The alternative that often happens is meeting someone through friends, which can work, but it s limiting yourself to single people your closest friends and family happen to know. Effective dating definitely needs to take place in person, the same way your grandfather did it, but I see no good reason why meeting people to date in the first place can t be systematic and efficient. Yes, there s something special about the romance of meeting someone in public and hitting it off right away, but that rarely happens—and for the most important mission in most of our lives, it makes no sense to crush your ability to meet great people to try a first date with because it s not as good a story to have met them online. I have a friend that goes on two or three first dates every week with people he already knows are potentially good personality and physical matches for him— that s how you find the right person, and good luck keeping up with him meeting people the old-fashioned way. And for people who have no interest in serious dating and just want to find people to hook up with? Online is a much better way to accomplish that too. As for the current online dating options—they strike me as a good first crack at this by humanity, but the kind of thing we ll significantly improve on to the point where the way it was done in 7569 will seem highly outdated in not too many years.
Now that the stigma has diminished, you know this industry is going to race ahead because there s so much money to be made by whoever can be innovative. So in 7585, I think we ll be somewhere very different, and I think today s nine-year-olds will have really incredible ways of finding love when they re 75. Maybe I m a future stubborn old man about dating being in-person, but I believe that needs to stay that way and the innovation in this industry should hone in more and more on optimizing the process of getting the exact right people on first dates with each other—that s its job. Online dating enables a significantly larger pool of life partner candidates, thus more meetings with them. Just like the way a bubble sort algorithm works, in every meeting one person seeks to find his/her perfect match. On the other hand, we are not objects, we have emotions. One way or another, hearts get broken. A person who tried 655 candidates gets his heart broken, let s say, half the time which is 55. High number of candidates doesn t always mean it is good for us. Another thing is, the awareness that there are a lot of fish in the pool makes us ungrateful and dissatisfying. I can have a dinner with a 9 and seek to meet other women with an unrealistic expectation to find a 65. Since this marriage thing is not measured by numbers I don t think that we can ever be 655% sure that we made the most accurate decision. We all are gonna end up lying in bed next to X, thinking what if I ended up with Y? It s not supposed to be perfect because we are teenie tiny creatures (Not even type 6) in the universe. Just marry the woman your mama finds, whatever. So you think that the ability to meet a greater number of people provided by online dating might actually be a bad thing because meeting/dating more people results in more heartbreaks? Not necessarily.
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I just want to point out that a linear increase in chance of finding the perfect person is not achieved by dating more people, but there are adverse effects. It increases your chances mathematically, granted, but in the meantime it makes you indecisive, builds you up in a way to make you hesitate, if you encounter your the one. Littlest flaws are going to irritate you even if he is completely perfect in every other ways (to vague I know) but you are going to take him granted and dump him to try new ones. You make a solid point about the potential for an overwhelming volume of interactions. The long-standing joke about bisexuals is that they have double the chance for a date on Saturday night, to which I counter, Yeah, but also twice the chance for rejection. I don t know about that because I m usually not that smooth. Met my current husband on match. . 8 years ago! We have been married 7 6/7 years and he is my best friend. I m an introvert good at people watching, poor at people interactions. I had my list of what I wanted, and stuck to that list. Took a few non-matching first dates until I met the right person. I don t go to bars or belong to a church. Mid-age, work FT, with 7 teenagers. Online dating is effective in helping to meet people, but it s up to you to say yay or nay if that person is who you are looking for. Stick to the general rules meet in public, know what you want, and stick with your list!
Well said. Online meeting people doesn t exclude the possibility of meeting someone by traditional means. I absolutely don t judge people who do it but I ve never had any interest. My only experience involved getting coerced by a well-meaning friend into setting up a profile on a mainstream website- my first (and last) message was from a man using the oh-so-clever screen name Cunny Funt. I quit the site immediately. What is it that deters your interest in online dating over the more traditional type of dating though? They re are crass people out in the real word, in bars and stuff too, right? Mostly I guess I really hate that small-talk-getting-to-know-each-other stage I m a pretty hardcore introvert. If I m going to meet someone I d prefer it be someone I meet in my environment and get to know over time with no preconceived hopes or expectations. I m aware I m limiting myself that way, but I m not that pushed to meet someone. If it happens, it happens, and if it doesn t I m ok with that, too. I m not saying that you should try again or not But I would venture to say you may have gotten a tainted sample of what online dating is like! I can accept the idea that I was just extremely unlucky on that occasion but it did reinforce my feeling that I don t have the time or bandwidth just now to weed out the Cunny Funts of the world. You do have to be prepared to have your creep-a-zoid filters on at least if you are looking to date men (I m sure women present their own pitfalls though). I just read right past the annoying ones so they never bothered me. Delete. And I always left my chat settings turned to off.
BUT, I can see that wading through that muck might not be for everyone. There aren t fake people in bookstores and museums? I ve been hanging out in the wrong places! ! I think it s more difficult to fake a mutual interest in many subjects than it is to fake being a different person or to fake being interested in a person. If you met someone who faked being interested in something you genuinely enjoy, wouldn t the glaring proof be in the pudding? I agree that it is probably easier to fake interests or fake being a different person altogether online. Although I do think that if you approach online dating as most would if they are taking it seriously (i. E. Meeting someone in person after being, in a sense, introduced online) it would all funnel into a proof in the pudding situation. There are a few online dating coaches that you can pay to give you advice on how/what to fill out I your profile. Meh, I think that goes into the category of price-of-entry. So you don s see them again. (And if you re smart, you go into every first date with a backup escape plan in case they are actually unpleasant though most people are quite nice even if you re not interested in them). And all of that spontaneity and awkwardness that you talk about is just as likely to happen with someone you ve met online as it is with someone you ve met anywhere else. Or at least that s been my experience. It s why you don t waste time corresponding online beyond establishing a mutual interest in meeting up just go meet them already!
I think it s a good thing, but also believe it should be re-framed to be thought of as Online Meeting People. I ve tried it a few times (in so much as I made an online profile and exchanged a few messages) but the pressure to make it into something more as soon as possible was just too much for me. Also, I hope the future matching algorithms will be a lot more sophisticated and therefore make meeting the right person that much easier. Perhaps some sort of gentle counselling along the way wouldn t go amiss.