For the love addict and codependent, Internet dating sites are the crack cocaine of romantic exploration. Although the love addict consciously wants true and lasting love, they are drawn to the exhilarating rush of new love. Their dream of being forever in love with a fated soul mate is inexplicably foiled by reasons that never quite make sense to them. It is as if they have a fuel tank that supplies the gasoline to a race car engine, but it only has a one-gallon capacity. Melissa, a 85-year-old codependent, and Jake, a 87-year-old love addict, were oblivious to their psychological afflictions. They felt like “regular” people who just wanted the all-American dream of true love. They were blind to their revolving door dating pattern, which they simply dismissed as a phenomenon of the modern Internet age of romance. To the Jakes and Melissas of this world, Internet dating is like a virtual candy store with the most tantalizing choices of yummy treats.
Sex Addict Free Dating Singles and Personals
With so many types of candy and so many opportunities to try them all, who could stop at just one? Analogous to the fantasy candy store, the Internet dating sites – thousands of them guarantee perfectly harmonious everlasting love, combined with steamy Hollywood romance. Love addicts hungrily rely on them to actualize their made-for-TV dream of true love. About three months ago, Melissa met Jake on one of the many free Internet dating sites. These were not just regular phone calls, but marathon calls that lasted for hours. Melissa felt in her soul that Jake was the perfect man the man she had been looking for her whole life. Jake’s masculine and bold voice soothed her. His edgy and commanding nature made her melt inside. She imagined Jake to be a brave and confident man who could light up any room with his charisma and charm. Jake seemed to know exactly what he wanted, and had a story about how he always got what he wanted – or, as he would say, “grab any bull by the horns and make his life happen. ” His apparent strength and dominant personality sent shivers up Melissa’s spine. It didn’t take long before they exhausted the exquisitely detailed telling of their life stories. Almost every topic took on a romantic and mildly sexual tone. It was as if they were strongly charged magnets whose opposite, compelling attraction was building up by the hour. Although neither tried to fight this irresistible magnetic force, they knew if they tried, it would have been futile no different than a guppy swimming up a raging river trying to mimic its salmon cousins. Melissa and Jake met at a local restaurant. When they met, the electric charge of their shared chemistry sent a palpable shock though them both.
Almost instantly, they lost control of their facial muscles. Neither could stop smiling nor their deep soul-seeking gaze into each other’s eyes. Both were blessed with beautiful faces upon which their eyes could feast. When they would break eye contact, they found their eyes roving in the direction of the other’s much appreciated body contours. The emotional excitement of the date ran so high that neither had much of an appetite. Their thirst for wine went unimpeded. After the last bite of dessert was finished, Jake reached for Melissa’s hand. As soon as their fingers touched, a shock of sensual energy pulsed through their bodies. Almost in unison, they summoned their waiter for the check. As Jake was paying the waiter, Melissa reminded herself that she was a good girl and would not with Jake on their first date no matter how she felt about him. Jake walked Melissa to her car, where he initiated a deep kiss that seemed to have no beginning or end. This kiss was the natural precursor to an evening at Jake’s apartment filled with uncontrollable sexual abandon. Afterward, they fell asleep in each other’s arms, thanking God for delivering the soul mate of their dreams. Melissa woke up first, looking at Jake and wondering how she got so lucky to find a man of such inner and outer strength and beauty. She could have looked at him all morning. Sensing that Melissa was staring at him, Jake woke up, startled by her deep and smothering gaze. All of a sudden, he felt a pang of.
Love Addiction Codependency amp Internet Dating
On the bed, where he lay naked, he felt exposed and vulnerable in a way that no sheet could cover. He asked himself, who was this woman who looked at him with such intense love? His chest got tight and his breathing became labored. As Melissa wrapped her arms around him, Jake reflexively arched his back, as if she might hurt him. Melissa sensed his and asked if he was OK. Jake denied there was anything wrong, explaining he was just distracted about a personal obligation he needed to attend to. He got out of bed and started dressing, never looking in her direction. He gave her a light and almost perfunctory kiss on the mouth followed by a statement about how much he enjoyed the night they spent together. But Melissa noticed that his words didn’t match his facial expression. He looked scared and awkward. This was when she knew this would be the last time she ever saw Jake. And it was. He quickly walked to the door, closing it without a backward glance. For Melissa, the disconnection was palpable, like someone had violently pulled a cord out from an electrical socket. She felt bewildered and utterly ashamed. What had she done? Why did she have sex with him?
She should have waited. Both Melissa and Jake spent the rest of the day feeling ashamed of their reckless behavior promising themselves that they would take their time the next time. But as a codependent and love addict, their perpetual flurry of infatuation, lust, regret and shame would ultimately repeat itself. Addicts use behaviors rather than substances as coping mechanisms. These might include, compulsive viewing of,, one-night stands and a host of other ‘acting out’ practices that undermine the ability to form intimate bonds with another human being. However, once in, there inevitably comes a day when the sex addict is ready to embark on that daunting journey we call. For a man who has spent years, if not decades, relating to porn actresses on a computer screen, encountering a flesh and blood partner can seem unpredictable and terrifying. Likewise for the woman who always seems to get involved with unavailable, married men, a truly present, drama-free suitor can be deemed ‘boring. ’ These unique challenges can be overcome, of course, but the sex addict will have their work cut out for them. The first major challenge is time. Here the experienced therapist can be of huge assistance by reminding the sex addict that dating is not a, nor a, but rather an adventure into the complete unknown where everything the addict thought they knew about intimacy turned out to be false, and a whole new universe must open up in order to move forward. The second challenge is transparency. Of course, these choices brought the addict much pain, and now post-recovery, he or she must tolerate a temporary loss of autonomy, sharing with a therapist, a 67-step group sponsor and even a support group the everyday minutia of their dating process. Here the addict may long to keep just one or two secrets, but to do so would be counterproductive to the entire recovery process. Instead of seeing transparency as a or a hindrance, the addict must come to view it as rock-solid security measure again potential relapse, where relapse would eliminate all chances at personal. The realm of healthy dating may seem strange for other reasons as well. Sometimes the addict has been off the dating scene for years and is returning as an older person.
It’s natural to be confused in this case about one’s age and to find only younger people attractive. After all, tends to arrest people emotionally, and in recovery they often surface at the point from which they left off, feeling, for instance, like a 75-year old trapped in a 85-year old’s body. Here the therapist can offer gentle, loving encouragement to try giving people their own age a chance. Regardless of the particular brand of, this stage of reentry into the dating pool is critical for every sex addict. It cannot be rushed, underestimated or faced alone anymore than the early emergency stages of recovery could be when the addict was hitting bottom. This time around, however, the addict has a true shot at real joy – if he or she can trust the process. Read more about healthy dating for sex addicts in my book and my daily book Sex addicts use behaviors rather than substances as coping mechanisms. These might include masturbation, compulsive viewing of pornography, infidelity, one-night stands and a host of other ‘acting out’ practices that undermine the ability to form intimate bonds with another human being. So if a wife/girlfriend complains that her husband/boyfriend wants sex all the time and is there for a sex addict, she is wrong? There is no such thing as being a sex addict and expressing it by wanting too much partnered fun and loving sex? A valid question to ask, I think, because there are many wives who make this accusation of their husbands who are constantly wanting to have sex with them. This article stresses the need for transparency, but only with therapists, 67 step group members, and the like. The group most critically in need of transparency from the sex addict - his or her potential partners - are completely ignored. These are the people who will ultimately pay the price should the sex addict act out or fail in seeking a happily ever after. With a dismal (and dubiously determined) recovery rate, it should be criminal to support dating efforts with people who have not been fully informed of what the sex addict brings to the table in terms of risk. No response? No explanation for why the potential victims of sex addicts don't deserve full disclosure up front?
I agree my cognitive behaviors can distorted or warped as so kindly put.