Normally on Fridays, I run readers questions for Ask Dr. NerdLove. On occasion, however, I’ll get a letter that necessitates going into greater depth than the usual submission. Sometimes the answer is more complex or requires a deeper dive into the situation. These are the times when it s time to head to the lab, see what s on the slab, and then get elbow deep in it s guts to see where things went wrong. Post-mortems are rarely pretty things. More often than not, it calls for a mix of tough love and a liberal application of The Chair Leg of Truth. But at the end:Gay bi Dating websites
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we ll understand what went wrong and what it s going to take for things to work next time. So scrub up, snap on the gloves and put on your gown. It s time to do some emotional surgery. There s been a lot that s been bothering me about the whole Nice Guy/Asshole thing for well over a decade. When I found PUA back when I was 69 back in 7555, it was like learning Santa Claus wasn t real. Or, to put it bluntly, taking the red pill. I was never a social butterfly, so I never really gave much notice to the people around me or who they dated, it was just okay, “A is going out with B, big deal. ” Wasn t any of my business back then and I had enough problems of my own. But deep down I had faith that good people chose their partners simply because they liked them for who they were, or they were honestly attracted to them, no tricks or anything required. Well yeah. That s pretty much life, my dude. The world got by with people hooking up, having sex and having kids long before Ross Jeffries thought saying blow me in an oddly stilted way could get him head. However when I found PUA, everything changed. I first thought it was a load of bullshit, some kooky internet crap akin to Alex Chiu s claims of giving you eternal life or the dollar bill being a lizard people prophecy of the Mayans, I refer you back to Ross Jeffries Speed Seduction method. But then I simply resigned myself to maybe this talk of nice guys being shafted is correct. After all, I was never a Casanova of any kind, and maybe this is what I need to do.
The more I thought about it, the more it seemed right. I remember the daughter of the high school superintendent ditched a nerdy but good Asian guy for some big time military guy. Don t really have much of an opinion on him, don t know anything about him. But after she broke up with him, she went out with an insufferable goth kid asshole for years, way longer than the previous two, the type of troublemaker who somehow drew a penis using a pencil on a stainless steel stool and flunked most of his classes while she was a perfect straight A student. Cuz, that part s kind of important. You know that a) she s dating him and b) she s dating him. So maybe, just maybe she just liked them. This same goth kid was the type who would tell the black kids they needed to be lynched to their faces, and would “joke” about anti-Semitism around actual Jewish kids around him. Shockingly, girls do occasionally date shitty edgelords. Sometimes it s because they think they see the good in them and can fix them. Other times they re shitty edgelords themselves. And sometimes the shitty edgelords try to hide being shitty from people they re trying to date. I recalled how a similar field hockey star and straight A student dated a loser type for years, someone who couldn t even spell cynical. Thus far, we still are at the point of my shrugging my shoulders and saying and? Because all we have is that you don t like these dudes. The more I thought about it, the more I realized this kind of stuff was incredibly common.
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These girls weren t the female equivalent of the Deliverance boys either, they were perfectly upstanding but they went with the worst lot you can imagine. And whenever I saw how comfy and happy these girls were around these scumbags, all I could feel was contempt for them. They looked just as sleazy as these dudes, it was like hearing a public figure you support did or said something really asinine. This is what we call projection, my dude. You don t like them, cool. But. You re making a whole lot of judgements based on your ideas of who these people are without actually seeing them together. You have access to a teeny, tiny part of their lives and have constructed an elaborate theory based on jack and shit. My own experiences with romance, for lack of a better word, came to the forefront too. I remember how one of those captain of the cheerleader squad and I were casual acquaintances, and the more time we spent together, she once thought it was funny as hell to sic her scuzzy asshole friends on me and make my life a living hell. The moment I finally stand up to her though and to all of them in junior year, she actually started genuinely flirting with me and I wanted none of it if only because of what cruelty she was capable of, but that just made her want me more. She grabbed my ass and tried playing with my hair, and I was really fucking creeped out. I m wondering if this was her flirting or her finding another way to tease you because of how much it wigged you out. Because right now? You aren t coming across as the most reliable narrator, bro. Shit, I remember at one point I found her on Facebook years later out of curiosity, and she s into that whole fixing the bad boy thing.
Or how some lacrosse girl in sophomore year started flirting with me and when I just kind of gave her the cold shoulder, she brazenly asked for my number. I was taken a bit aback not just by her interest but how she seemed to be demanding it, and didn t give it to her just because it made me uncomfortable. Instead she gave me her number and pretty much demanded this time that I call her that night. Even at that age I was skeeved right the fuck out not by her forwardness but just how she lacked any notion of boundaries, so I didn t call her. Um she liked you dude. This wasn t ignoring boundaries, this was someone who was into you and telling you in pretty much no uncertain terms that she wanted to invite you over for a hot cup of fuck my brains out. Now, if you re not into women who re forward, cool. But you re ascribing a whole lot of weirdness to someone who s being straightforward with you. I couldn t figure people out back then or the reason they did things so I just thought there were those who were naturally forward and those they preyed on, and if you didn t want to be fucked with, you gave them a whole lot of shit to get them off your back. Little did I know that people were taking this as a challenge or whatever, and were not sincerely listening to me when I told them I wanted them to fuck off. I was definitely the outcast in high school, that guy who was bullied relentlessly, so when these girls were interested in me, I just thought they were pitying me and I felt dirty for it. Or maybe they were the types who d hang out in the alleyway doing needles or the like and I was better off without them. Nope, turns out they were perfectly on the up and up with everybody else and genuinely hot for me, but not for the reasons I ever would have wanted. Wh what reasons would you want? Because think you re cool and attractive and maybe want to kiss sounds like a pretty good reason to be hot for someone. But this queasy feeling about dating should I ever decide to get into it has never left me.
I was raised around animal abusers, alcoholics, drug addicts, thieves, rapists, pedophiles, and a whole bunch of other ne er do wells. Funny thing is I only had a few people in my immediate family, and their close circles I was forced to associate with by proxy, and each individual person fit at least two of those unsavory monikers. Even in school, a few of my dear fellow male classmates liked how baby-faced I looked back then and groped me more than a few times. I m grateful that I was born a boy and not a girl, because I don t want to imagine the kind of shit that would have happened to me otherwise. So I can t grasp how anyone from average or good backgrounds could want this. I think of the popular idea that women like assholes for a good number of years and then settle for good men rubbing me the wrong way, because while I abhor slut-shaming, Someone call Sir Mix-A-Lot because there s a big but coming More than anything, this whole thing makes me feel really unwanted, because if circumstances were different, I could have easily been one of those guys getting the shaft in favor of some of these grade-A dumbfucks, and even now, I just feel like I can t trust a woman. Any woman. In which case, I could never be happy with someone like that. And the sad thing is, I could never be sure she wants me for me either, not when this phenomenon is apparently a thing. Have you, and this is going to be a bit out there but stick with me, have you considered that maybe you re wrong? Like: you are so completely wrong about your understanding about yourself, those guys and the women who date them that you are in a universe of your own that s absolutely perpendicular to ours? Because right now, you ve crafted this view of the world that literally nobody else shares and are operating in response to rules that nobody else follows and you re wondering why you re having a hard time. You ve so dug into this worldview that because never mind Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, you re from a dimension where rabbits are floorps and mushrooms sing sea shanties. There s something to be said for wanting someone good looking, but when you re attracted to assholes and stick with them in spite of their numerous shortcomings, all my ideas of true love just go up in smoke. It s the same way you get turned off when you see someone attractive you re stoked on act and talk completely vapid, and you realize that, yeah, you are definitely not who I thought you were.
Seems like desperation, not genuine attraction, or they were morons for some reason for a good ten years then finally wised up.